Inspiration

1^st  of June 2022. Happy new month or should I say Happy New Year because it’s the first blog of 2022 lol but I will suppress that thought because what’s new about the year this far lol. Happy Mid-Year instead. Also part of me wants to ask “Can you believe the last time we were in here blogging was January 2021”??? But nope, I will also suppress that too because it’s pretty obvious that this writer has been ghosting for a while, a pretty long while.

The first few days of ghosting, I felt extremely horrible for letting myself, my walk of faith and my readers down, then another couple of weeks down the line I felt a little less horrible and then it spiraled downwards until months turned into an year and I honestly no longer felt horrible, I succumbed and just became numb.

But the flame never withered or died out, it was always in there, holding on to the last embers, hope faintly burning on that one day we would get back to this ministry, that one day God would restore us back to penning down what He places in my heart, that one day God would still delight in using me as His vessel to speak to His children.

I held on that hope, I clung on it with every fiber in my spirit and I refused to let go. I held on to the hope that we would get back here even in the days of gloom and utter despair, days of doubt and fighting the lies being whispered so loudly in my mind. I had loved ones who would keep querying why I stopped writing and most importantly when I would get back to it. I kept paying for the annual subscriptions to renew my blog even in the moments of pin drop silence.

That was me holding on to this hope. That was me trusting in the God of second, third fourth and even a hundred chances. That was me resting in the assurance of the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father, in the knowledge that He still reigned and He would delight in a broken and contrite spirit. That He would run out to receive the prodigal daughter who had left home indignantly, that He would embrace her, her messes, her scars and wounds and that He would once again clothe her with His glory.

Here we are today, 16 months down the line and we are back to blogging, back to what I love doing and most importantly back to serving and walking in obedience. I am so grateful to God for His never ending mercies and His faithfulness even in my faithlessness. I am so grateful that He never grows weary of picking me up and getting me back on track. I am so grateful that He never gets tired of my brokenness, my weaknesses, my imperfections, that He never grows impatient with this living sacrifice that keeps crawling away from the altar.

I have been saved for 6 years now and I will confess that salvation is a beautiful, exhilarating and life changing journey but truth be told it’s not always glitz and glam. It has its hills and valleys moment. Moments you’re on the mountain top celebrating victories and testimonies and answered prayers: the highlights of your walk of faith. Then the other moments when you’re knee deep in the valleys, drowning in fear, battling unbelief and fighting raging wars within your spirit and your environment.

Moments you’ll pray fervently for certain requests and some will be answered almost immediately with joy and thanksgiving but some will take years and years of still praying, still hoping, still believing and still holding onto the faith. Moments you are 100% certain, assured and totally confident in your calling then the other moments where you are sinking in a sea of doubt, moments of thinking “ Am I really called? Was I called? Did I hear right or did I call myself?”

I’ve still have my fair share of highs and lows: highs that have been incredibly-mind blowing and literally the favour of God shining through and lows have been down right heart-breaking. But in these moments, God remains the same. He knows and sees the end from the beginning so He knows how the story started, how it will end and everything in between. Nothing catches Him by surprise. In all these moments, He remains God and all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

In all these moments am learning that to be rooted in Christ, He ups the walk of faith because He needs us to grow deeper roots that will sustain us, He needs our faith to be strengthened and sometimes that comes through shaking up the foundations. He needs us to walk in the fire and be purified, He needs us to be pruned in the Gardener’s hands so we can be more fruitful. He needs us to camp at His altar continually so that when the tests, the trials, the temptations, the hurdles and the challenges come, they find us in Christ where we are assured of victory.

And you know the best part is coming out victoriously and not looking like what we have been through. Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who stepped out of the fire and the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn’t even smell of smoke! Daniel 3:26-27.

I am a witness that God bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. And when He does, we will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3.

Am excited to get back here and I have a lot to share about this amazing journey of faith, this beautiful love story of a girl and her lover: The Lord Jesus Christ and by His grace, we will share the story all for His glory.

Welcome Back Home!!

Day 29 of January, 2021; can you believe that we’ve come to the end of January already yet it feels like just the other day when we crossed over? I am glad to be alive and healthy on such a day, in such a season as this. The year still smells of its newness (for some of us, lol) with goals, dreams, hopes and desires for a fruitful, productive and prosperous year.

Am no different, am still super excited for the New Year. Yes I said it loud and clear, I’m super excited to see what God has in store for me. I am excited for the blessing of a new season after the year 2020 was.

Last year was gruesome on all levels, individually, as a family, as a community and all over the world. Personally I had my mountain high and rock bottom moments all throughout but am so grateful that God held me & carried me through it all and I crossed over 2021 hopeful, confident and assured in His promises, I crossed over in power and authority knowing that God never fails.

My 2021 declaration: This is the year of new birthing & manifestations, the year of divine positioning, divine acceleration and divine fruitfulness. These are my prayers for this year:

• I will receive my manifestations in the year 2021 in the name of Jesus.
• I will birth salvation in my family, community and country.
• I will be aligned to the purposes of God.
• I will fulfill positive prophecies that are aligned to God’s will.
• I will be part of God’s remnant.
• I will not suffer shame or defeat.
• I will be divinely positioned.
• I will bear much fruit; I will be fruitful in my area of calling.
• I will experience the grace of divine fruitfulness.
• I will live my life as a ministry to point and draw the world to Christ.
• My relationship with God will take preeminence.
• The Lord’s perfect will be fulfilled.
• The pain I have gone through will work for good for God.
• God will make everything I begin/pursue/put my heart and mind to in 2021 to shoot and grow because of divine speed and divine acceleration, for the glory and honor of His name.

I am confidently stepping out this year, not because of anything I am, far be it from it. I am not the best to ever do it, I’ve been broken, I’ve messed up, been a fool, am wretched but God breathed into my life when He chose me. There are people out here who are wiser, better, more articulate, more beautiful BUT God still chooses me and keeps me alive.  It’s not me. It’s never been me. It’s JUST GOD!

And for this reason am totally sold out to Christ and I don’t mind looking like a fool to the world. I just want to be a bridge between heaven and earth, to make God proud, to please Him and Him alone, to bring glory and honor to Him: not the glory of this world, nope…I want the kind of glory that will have me stand in the presence of my Savior.

These are my prayers for 2021: to be Kingdom focused, to be a Kingdom seeker and chaser and to fulfill the Kingdom of God, by His grace, strength and wisdom. So Cheers to living out loud and large for Christ by all means possible, to manifesting and being who God called us to be.

Amen!

10^th October 2020: Such a beautiful sunny Saturday morning, am seated at the balcony, basking & taking in as much sun as I can while enjoying the cool breeze, watching it ruffle the leaves of nearby trees and playing softly in the background is my favorite worship music. Today I’ve woken up (Thank you Jesus) and I am completely overwhelmed at how blessed I am, one of those days you take a deep breath and you don’t remember how tough the last couple of days/weeks/months have been, you don’t remember all the things that went wrong, you don’t remember all those prayers that remain unanswered; no, not today.

Today I woke up and allowed myself to be completely overwhelmed by all the good things that have happened, all the blessings I have, all the prayers that have been answered, all the miracles I’ve watched God perform… today I woke up and decided to soak in the goodness of Christ.

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s not that I haven’t had time because if I wanted to I would have, it’s simply because I allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life and failed to prioritize silencing my mind enough to sit and listen to what God wants me to share. Today I decide that listening to God is my priority.

I haven’t been checking up on my loved ones as much as I should, maybe because I fashioned this comfortable cocoon that simply praying for them and seeing them online most times means they are okay. Today I choose to be intentional in reaching out and letting my love grow from a noun into verb- acting, doing and being present.

I haven’t been consistent in my T.A.G (Time Alone with God), waking up early in the morning to sit at the feet of the Master and order my steps and day according to His will, simply because fighting sleep has been such a mountain, lol. Today I choose to remember that faith as little as a mustard seed is enough to move any mountain and so in faith I commit to devoting the first thirty minutes of my morning to God.

I’ve finished reading the book of Psalms and it’s a bitter sweet moment: sweet because I’ve been consistent in my “Read the Bible in 1 year” goal and bitter because I realize how far I am from wholly adopting a spirit of gratitude and praise and constantly reflecting/meditating on God’s word at ALL TIMES, even in the midst of pain and suffering and attacks (my most profound lesson from the 150 Psalms). Today I choose to:

1. Focus on the milestones I’ve made this far on this journey and not the long path that lies ahead. #CelebrateSmallWins.
2. Fix my focus constantly on God and not on my world or the happenings around. I realize it’s so easy to get caught up and be flogged down my life but that happens when I magnify it over God. I choose to remind myself every day that I surrendered my life and the steering wheel to Him and my job is to keep Him at the Centre, allow Him to run the show and to not let my eyes stray away from Him.

Beginning of the year, as one of my traditions, I wrote my goals down, put up my vision board and drafted a game plan but Lord knows I haven’t been as zealous as I should have. Well for starters I was solely focused on planning my wedding, then the pandemic happened, psyche and drive went under, wedding was postponed, then settled for a Covid-19 wedding instead of the dream wedding (I’ll totally write about this someday). Seen a couple of jokes and memes how we shouldn’t count 2020 since the world came to a stop, lol and it would be so easy to blame the virus for unaccomplished goals and dreams. But truth of the matter is:

1. There is some good that happened in the midst of it all, if you are open to learning.
2. Despite the circumstances, the power to pursue what we wanted was in our hands and if we didn’t go after it, we only have ourselves to blame, not 2020.

So today I choose to get over my procrastination, dust my goals and dreams and focus on channeling my passion, my drive and all of my energy into the next 82 days and what I can achieve by God’s grace. How? Every day I will wake up and choose to make a small, easy and manageable 1% adjustment to a particular aspect of my life which will result in an 82% improvement at the end of the year. Life is all about the choices we make and I choose differently, I choose that:

1. I will not be caught up mumbling and grumbling and lamenting about life; I will be more grateful for all I have.
2. I will not blame circumstances around me when things don’t go right; I will take ownership and be responsible.
3. I will not allow my priorities to be all mixed up; I will know what matters and live accordingly.
4. I will not take for granted the people I love; I will be intentional in communicating and being present.
5. I will not sit on my gifts, skills or talents; I will allow myself to be who God has called me to be and to let my light shine before men that they may see His good works and glorify God.

Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Always remind me that my joy comes from you and that I should always rejoice. Let the joy and rest I find in you be manifested in my life as a gentle and quiet spirit.

Always remind me to fight anxiety and worry by presenting my requests to you in prayer and petition with thanksgiving and to trust that You will work all things together for my good.

Always remind me that true peace that guards my heart and mind comes from you and you alone. Teach me to recognize and remain in peace even when my circumstances are anything but peaceful.

Always remind me to set my mind on things above, not on earthly things; whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—to think about such things.

Since that sums up to Jesus perfectly, all I really have to do is fix my eyes on you. Thank you for making it so simple, Lord.

Amen!

Today is the 199^th day of the year and this is my very first blog post of the year.  Yep, I haven’t written in a couple of months and I feel like I need to set the record straight and share that am still very happily born again and crazily in love with Christ, lol. There is absolutely no way the devil will take away that testimony from my lips. Nothing I ever do or go through will surpass the great sacrifice Jesus paid on the cross for me and how am forever in awe that He loved me at my very worst and He has promised that nothing will ever separate me from His unconditional love. If that’s the only testimony I will ever have, then it’s absolutely more than enough for me.

It feels like it’s been 20 months already since we crossed over from 2019. I don’t know about you but this is definitely not how I envisioned the year would be because it’s certainly not playing out the way I planned it. And trust me, I had plans, small plans, big plans, all sort of plans, intricate planned details of how the first four months would be. I was excited going about implementing them until Corona quietly sneaked in the picture and sat smug right in the middle, bringing everything to a halt. I look back at how things changed in a snap and I can’t help but laugh out, of course now I can smile but back then, it was nothing but a bunch of broken dreams and crashed hopes reeking of devastation. In fact if I could give 2020 a name, it would be the roller coaster year.

“Man makes plans and God laughs”

2020 was going to be my year, that was what I started the year claiming in faith , I had focused on everything I desired and wanted from it then slowly God in His divine ways made the world stop and it dawned on me that my focus had been on everything else but HIM. It’s pretty amazing how He managed to “shut down” the entire world and turned our heads and hearts back to focusing on Him and His superiority over all. It’s amazing how the human race was forced on its knees and we acknowledged that it’s not our own wisdom or strength that keeps us going but it’s indeed His grace and mercies which sustain us. Science couldn’t give us answers, civilization, wealth; political stability wasn’t the solution either. Maybe the world needed a disease to make us realize how sick we were so we could turn our focus on God and be truly healed.

You can make many plans BUT the Lord’s purpose will prevail. Psalms 19:21

After spending the entire of April and a bit of May lamenting,lol..I stopped weeping and mourning the loss of what would have been, got up, washed my face and embraced the life I had. I realized I couldn’t dwell on what couldn’t be undone and that I still had God on my side, all I had to do was trust that He knew every single detail of my life, how it plays out, how nothing catches Him by surprise and ultimately how all things work together for my good. I mean He had never failed me before, why would He start now? Changing my mindset and focus towards God was such a welcoming breath of fresh air. Before you get to judging me, it’s not like I didn’t know from the onset that this was the correct posture for me, nope, on the contrary this was one of the lessons God has been trying to teach me since 2018. A lesson I thought I had been to enough classes and done quite well, exceptional if I must say but no one knows the heart more than God and oh what a deceitful lil sneaky organ it is.

Turns out I hadn’t grasped the lesson and needed a few remedial classes here and there to let it sink in. 2020 isn’t all that bad if am to now admit, after much hindsight and retrospection, I believe the year is playing out JUST EXACTLY how it was meant to be and its upon us to seize the moment, grab the lesson and run with it as bravely as we can. 2020 hasn’t been such a roller coaster as much as it has been a season of grace, growth and gratitude.

Grace:

A lot has happened in our lives and  in the world these past couple of months and there is a general sense of darkness and gloom everywhere making it so easy to get caught up in that wave of sadness and heaviness. I believe there is equally so much more to be grateful for and if we carefully think things through, you’ll find there is so much goodness that surpasses the gloom. At times the blessings are in the tiniest and simplest of things.

I don’t take for granted waking up every morning and being able to take in a deep breath, knowing there is someone out there depending on a ventilator. I don’t take it for granted that I have a place I can call home, a safe haven from the cold and darkness, a place glowing in love and joy. I don’t take it for granted that I have food to eat and I can get choosy on what I want to eat based on my hormones or mood at that particular moment, knowing very well that for someone out there, a choice is a luxury.

May I never be so blinded again, caught up in my world, my desires and needs that I fail to notice how God so lavishly pours His grace and mercies every morning in my life.

May I never forget that it should have been me hanging on that cross, shamed and cursed but His grace was sufficient.

May I never forget that it could have been me killed in that accident, dying from that illness, abandoned and alone in the world, betrayed and left with a broken heart, so many could have, should have been scenarios but God, things could have been worse but God…I don’t deserve to be alive but God.. These trials and tribulations could have broken me into pieces but God… The enemy would have crushed me and had the last laugh but God…

Growth

When I was a little girl growing up seemed so much fun and I couldn’t help fantasize about it and becoming like my big sisters, cool gang and all. Then it happened and after I was done growing physically, it dawned on me there was so much to growth and it wasn’t fun and games, some lessons were tough, cruel, some gut wrenching and heartbreaking. You can’t fight it, it’s inevitable, you can postpone it to your loss but the lessons are worth embracing.

2020 came with its fair share of pain and lessons. I lost friends who I thought were down for me but turns out it was a one sided entanglement, hehe and the detangling was dramatic to say the least. In the same breathe, I gained amazing friends who turned to be such a blessing and I’ve learned God never takes away something and fails to replace it with something better.

I’ve learned that at the end of the day if God and family is all I have left, then I am more than blessed.

I’ve learned that at times God will answer my prayers, not in the way I expected Him to, but in His own divine ways which always turns out way better than my imagination.

I’ve learned that when things don’t go my way, my energy and emotions should be spent thanking God for what He is doing beyond my understanding because many are the times He doesn’t let me witness the battles He is fighting for me.

Gratitude

Above all am learning how to always be deeply and truly grateful at all times, in all things and in all moments. Nothing beats a cold gloomy day more than a cheerful and grateful heart. When you learn to see the blessings in everything, big and small then you live a content, satisfied and fulfilled life. Why? Because you’re never waiting for a moment to feel alive, you are present and enjoying every second of it.

I believe no one can stand and claim they have nothing to give thanks for; God has blessed each and every one of us in our own unique ways. The challenge human beings face is we constantly look over the other person’s life, wanting and desiring what they have, forgetting that we are all blessed differently, our paths and stories are different and our seasons are never the same. Comparison robs you of the delight of enjoying the season you are in.

2020 has taught me there is so much I have and have been blessed with, some I never was conscious of but I’ve slowed down to appreciate it all. I am not perfect, I make my good share of goof ups and mistakes but am so grateful God never writes me off and He’s always there to hold my hand and lead me in His good perfect pleasing will.

If there’s anything that these last six months have heavily reinforced for me is that I would rather be in the storm with God than anywhere else alone. Being saved isn’t an assurance that things will sail smoothly always, far be from it. The weapons will be formed against us, the world will hate us, we will be mocked and laughed at, they will sarcastically ask where our God was when calamities hit the earth, we will always be misunderstood and they will be our sworn enemies. Our secret lies in keeping our eyes firmly on Christ, not looking to the right or left and wavering in faith but solely focusing on Jesus and being of great cheer at all times knowing we are assured of victory just like He overcame the world. And if this world becomes such a dread, am grateful I have an assurance of a better place, an eternity with Christ, now what could beat that??

Six months to the end of the year and am excited to see what God has in store. At this point I’ll admit I don’t know what that will be but you can never go wrong with God. Where He leads, I will follow. #Surrendered&Grounded

Amen!

A couple of hours to the end of 2019: Breathe in ……exhale!

God is indeed faithful and being alive at this very moment is a testimony of His never ending goodness, a testimony of His never failing mercies with every dawn, a testimony of His endless, priceless, unconditional love and a testimony of His grace that covers and carries us every second of our lives.

2019 has had its ups and down without a doubt, its seasons of mountain tops and bottom valleys, its season of laughter and tears, seasons of rock staunch faith and waves of doubt and unbelief, its seasons of high end success and downright failures, you name it. But here we are standing, chin high up like the overcomers we are.

If the Lord was not on our side, we would have certainly never made this to this end. The fact that we are alive today is a blessing and an assurance that God is not done with us, He has a plan for our lives and His plans will be fulfilled, not because of who we are or what we have done or how deserving we are but simply because of who He is, He is God, period.

I don’t know how your year has been but if I could describe 2019 for me, it would be an year of overwhelming blessings, love and support against all odds, an year of losing & gaining ,an year of pain, loss and heartbreak and an year of growing, failing and learning. What have I learnt in 2019? A lot, lol but what really stood out for me was a couple of lessons am delighted to share so here’s my 2019 in a nutshell;

1. Embrace your season:

If am to be honest, I have struggled to learn and accept this lesson because truth be told, it’s a tough one especially when I had tagged my hopes and expectations on my plans, desires and goals to run on my very own timeline forgetting that I am not in control of time. There are dreams I hoped by now would have come to fruition, get married at a certain age, buy a car at this time, travel to that destination by a certain month, buy that land and settle down, get that promotion by that year, build and run my business, write that book… the list is endless. Every morning I jumped out of bed, looked at my vision board and geared myself up armed with my dreams and passions but at the end of it all, I didn’t accomplish all I had wanted for myself. I ended up struggling with feelings of despair, feeling too little, feeling like I wasn’t fighting too hard or I was dreaming too big, beating myself up for not becoming who I thought I wanted to be.

“Every season is one of becoming but not always blooming. Be gracious with your ever evolving self.”

I thank God that as I reflect back on my 2019, I can confidently say that I’ve come to appreciate that there is a reason for every season and if am patient enough and armed with a teachable spirit, I’ll grow and be fruitful in and out of season. God never allows us to pass through a certain phase in life in vain because He has promised us that all things work together for good for those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. My circumstances may not look like I envisioned, I may not accomplish the goals I aspired and that’s perfectly okay because in its season, at His timing, He will make all things beautiful. God is not a man that He should lie, whatever He has promised me, though it may tarry, will come to pass.

I’ve learned to work in tandem with God’s season and not run around trying to achieve things outside His will. I’ve learned to hold on tight to the dreams He placed in my heart, knowing that one day, despite the heartbreaks in between, the fatigue and brokenness of waiting in season, He will keep His word because He is faithful and never goes back against it. I’ve learned to constantly seek His face, His voice and to hide myself in His word.

2. Celebrating Milestones:

I don’t know if this happens to you but personally I have struggled with seeing the positive amidst disappointments. It’s almost as if my mind always zooms in on what went wrong, what didn’t go as expected, what would have been and I fail to look back and appreciate the progress I am making or count the numerous blessings that I already have. Yes 2019 didn’t entirely go the way I wanted but there are some beautiful turns it took that gave me the best moments I ever could wish for. Am learning that even the little steps in between count because they signify growth and at the end, am not where I wanted to be and thankfully am also not where I was in the beginning.

“It’s not happiness that brings us gratitude. It’s gratitude that brings happiness”

Count your blessings; Name them one by one.

Count your blessings; See what God has done.

Count your blessings; Name them one by one.

And you’ll be surprised to see what God has done.

 I’ve learned/still learning to choose what it is I focus on because ultimately it ends up being magnified. I choose to see the good in all my circumstances, I choose to appreciate each and every milestone I make, I choose to see the good in people and believe that deep down lies the best version of themselves, I choose to not be hard on myself all the time and to pause and laugh in between, to remember that one failure or delay doesn’t equate to my identity. I choose to be the one who defines what success means to me, and not allow the world to define me. If I try out and fall, I choose to stand, dust up, pat myself on the back for the courage displayed then hit the road and try again because I chose to not be crippled by fear but rather be empowered in faith.

3. Grace in abundance:

If it wasn’t for God’s grace, I don’t know where I would have been today because a million times I’ve failed over and over & Still His mercy remains and I’m caught in His grace. I have had my seasons in 2019 where I doubted God’s plan for my life, where I wavered in unbelief and my faith was shaken to the core. Like Jonah, I too have tried running away from Him when things got too tough and needed to be as far away as possible. There are days I didn’t want to pray, read my bible, attend church service, days I even doubted if I was called to serve in ministry but looking back , boy am I glad that even in my moments of weaknesses and foolishness, God never turns His back against me. That despite what I do, my identity still remains intact in His sight, I am still His child and He loves me with such a pure unconditional love.

My walk of faith isn’t all roses and petals, I fail, I fall but I’ll tell you what it is for sure, the one constant that rests my heart and that is God’s unending grace. In the midst of it all. God covers me, He loves me, He gives me another chance, He rescues me and He saves me.

Salvation isn’t for the perfect ones, those who have life figured it out, nope…after all Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He doesn’t expect us to clean up and come to Him, He is calling us to come to Him as we are, in the thick of our mess and our weaknesses because that’s when His strength is best displayed.

“God does not need your strength: He has more than enough of power of His own. He asks for your weakness: He has none of that Himself, and He is longing, therefore, to take your weakness, and use it as the instrument in His own mighty hand. Will you not yield your weakness to Him, and receive His strength?”

4. Loving Unconditionally:

Since I accepted Christ as my personal Savior back in 26^th May 2016 (whew, see God) I came face to face with what unconditional love felt like, a love like none other I had ever experienced, a love I had been searching for all along in the wrong places and arms. I was a hot mess, all broken and hurt, carrying a tonne of baggage, heartbreak, bitterness and anger, battling rejection, covered in guilt and shame BUT He still embraced me as I was. He loved me, picked me up, cleansed me and gave me a new identity in Him, one that was no longer tied to where I had come from or what I had done. I grew to fall in love with Him more and more every day and it was beautiful until it dawned on me that I had to extend the same love back to other people.

To be honest, people aren’t all that kind and good all the time, lol…sometimes they hurt you, offend you, irk you, poke you and God still expects us to extend the same hand He did to us. This has been a tough lesson, living out God’s love practically: being patient, being kind, not being envious, not being boastful, not being prideful, not being rude, not being self-seeking, not being easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil but rejoicing in truth.

This kind of love is impossible if you are not anchored in God because He is love. I have being hurt by people and I struggled with forgiving. I have watched people repeat offenses and I struggled with being patient and not keeping a record of their wrongs. I’ve had people treat me wrong, say mean things and I’ve struggled to keep silent and not lash out rude and unkind words. I’ve battled with pride and thinking am better than other people, I’ve secretly battled the green eyed monster called jealousy and envied other people’s journeys and successes.

It’s a journey and am learning that if Christ found me at my darkest, loved me at my worst and forgave all my transgressions, I need to do the same for others. That is what we call extended grace and is the journey of being transformed to become Christ like…more and more of Christ. If we can’t give to others what we have freely received, then I beg to ask, who are we looking up to, Christ or the world? If we can’t love people at their lowest, if we can’t embrace them, flaws and all, who are we reflecting? Do unto others as Christ has done for you.

5. God’s will nonetheless:

Losing a loved one takes a toll on you and in 2019, my heart was broken twice and I struggled with grief and accepting loss. The first loss was watching my best friend lose her husband of four years. I remember receiving that phone call and wishing it was the death of someone else, a relative but not him. Life is very short, one morning you are with your loved one and the next they are no more, no warning, no hint or clue, no goodbye, nothing… just emptiness and heartaches and grief. His death was so sudden and cruel, a hit and run accident, the driver didn’t even stop to salvage the situation, rectify his mistake and save a life.

For a while I battled with being bitter at God, I had so many unanswered questions, Why him? Why now? How would she cope? Why did their two year old boy have to grow up without his dad? I hadn’t figured out the answers when my heart was broken again in a span of two months, another loss, same tragedy-a hit and run accident, rushed to hospital, taken to ICU. Difference with the second case is we had a chance to plead in prayer and ask God to save his life and restore him back, we took turns in praying round the clock, alternating every two hours but he still passed on. I wasn’t bitter anymore with God, I was raged and furious, I mean didn’t He hear our prayers? Was He unable to save him? Why did he have to die so young? I was so broken inside, for a month I didn’t step to church, I looked fine on the outside but deep down my heart was crying.

As I write this, am at peace with the loss and with God because He remains God and He does what is best for us, His thoughts are way above ours, and we’ll never grasp all He does. I’ve stopped fighting His will. I don’t have all the answers, but I trust Him and I know He knows what He is doing. I’ve accepted I don’t have to know or understand His plans, all I need is to trust in Him.

Do I know how to handle grief? No, I still haven’t grasped this but I rest in this simple truth, I can be real with Him because we have a relationship, I can bare my grief, my anger, my rage, my pain, my heartbreak and it will never surprise Him or make Him change the way He feels about me, what we have is an eternal love.

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

As I bid goodbye to the year 2019, I look back at the year and all I can say is through it all my eyes are on God and it is well with me because my soul has learnt to let go and trust in God.

If 2019 has been the best year ever for you, we celebrate and give thanks to God.

If 2019 hit you the hardest, wounded you, kicked you down, be encouraged that ALL IS NOT LOST. You are still alive because God has a beautiful plan for your life. You may not see it now, you may not feel it now but rest in this: God’s not done with you!!

To God be the Glory!

It’s four days to the end of the September 2019 and I haven’t blogged this entire month. It’s good to get that off my chest. I am certified procrastinator ? but I assure you this wasn’t the case this time round. I’ve been torn between battling this out on my own privately or pouring out my heart here and every time I felt like cowering away, the Spirit kept reminding me gently that I’ve submitted myself fully to God, all the pieces, broken or whole and it didn’t matter which state I was in, He’d still work it out for good for His glory and honor.

At times we doubt ourselves, our journey, the situations that abound us, if this is not you, that’s perfectly fine, well done,cheers lol…but as for me, am in constant need of grace to get to that space.  God has to constantly remind me that He sees the beauty in my imperfections, that every lil part of me has a purpose in His plans, that He needs all of me, the whole SUM and not just SOME parts. And that if I turn it all over to Him, those broken parts, those lil pieces, those holes, He’ll shine His LIGHT right through them and set the world ablaze.

This has been a heavy month for me.

I was totally ecstatic when the month started, celebrating the last month of Quarter 3, gearing up to achieve the goals I’d set up, ticking off plans and targets, it was coming along great until that fateful morning, 4th September when I got that call early in the morning and my world stopped for a minute as I felt my heart heavily crushing down into a million pieces. We had lost a loved one.

I remember I was preparing to leave for work but I just crushed and sat down, dumb founded with no words to say back, I must have hung up the phone and called out to my mum who came rushing and I broke down in her arms, wailing and trying to explain what had just happened, and for a while we just sat there, crying and trying to come to terms with the devastating news.

For the next two weeks as we went about the burial preparations, I was running on autopilot…my body was up and about, playing different roles, being present and helping out, coordinating activities, smile on my face, being totally strong for my girls but deep down within me, everything was still at a standstill, I had almost become numb. I fought the tears, mustered all my strength and courage but if someone pricked me a lil, I was on the verge of a meltdown. It was so bad, I was struggling to pray, I had so many questions to ask God, I was mad, furious, saddened, broken, crushing.. I wanted Him to hold me so tight but still push Him far away because He allowed this to happen.

I carried my Bible with me, as if trying to get strength from poring through the scripture but nothing made sense, my world was grey skies and dark ugly clouds. It got so bad I found myself craving a hard drink, something I hadn’t done in years, whiskey, rum, tonic just anything to make me forget the pain. I thank God was constantly there, holding me and reminding me my strength only came from Him, no drink, and no human could possibly fill the void. I broke down twice and cried my heart out, the day we went to hospital to see him and the final day we laid him to rest.

It’s been 24 days but still my heart aches, grief has no manual and the journey is different for everyone. Days pass by and you regain your strength in bits, there are days you’ll smile, reminisce the beautiful memories you shared,  laugh again but the pain never goes away, it stays and sticks like glue, it will always be a part of your new life and you learn to share a room with in it your ‘house’. It won’t be the only room you’ll lock yourself in, but it will still be there.

And I think that’s the healthy way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. It’s accepting the pain and embracing it. It’s not rushing to chase it away. It’s making room for it and not fighting it or hiding it away from it. It’s allowing yourself to be in that dark cold room of your grief and also allowing yourself to step into other rooms of joy, happiness, peace and comfort. It’s allowing the grace of God to heal you and hold your hand until you learn to open the windows in the dark room, allow a little sunshine in, some fresh air to make the room alive and eventually, it will be a room you’ll step in and be flooded not with sadness and pain but beautiful memories you shared with them.

I bear my heart here because am not a perfect Christian…am just called by a Perfect Saviour. I have my moments of weaknesses, of failure, of doubt, moments I struggle to pray, read the word, fellowship. But in all these moments, my God never changes. He remains the same who loves me unconditionally, sees me through His lenses of love and grace, floods His mercies new every morning, leaves the throne to come embrace me and rock me like a little girl in His blossom. No am not perfect, am just loved perfectly.

And I’ve learned on the days I can’t run to the throne, or walk this faith out, I can crawl to Him, naked and vulnerable, broken and bruised and He’ll cover me, He’ll wipe away my tears, He’ll bind my broken heart, He is my balm of Gilead. I can always come to Him just the way I am. When I don’t have much to bring and am torn into pieces, that is my offering and I take it to Him. When am tired, churched out, hurt and abused, when I have no strength to fight, no tears to cry, I go to Him because I know one touch will change my life. When all I can do is lay there at the throne, when I can’t open my mouth to pray, I’ll still be at His throne. Because where else would I find my healing and grace??

I know so many of us are going through a rough patch, in one way or another, dealing with this life… And this morning I commit all of us in the able Hands of our heavenly Father, I pray for super natural healing, for comfort, for peace of our minds and hearts that only God can provide, I pray for His overwhelming love to drown us in His embrace, I pray for the strength to pick up ourselves and our pieces, I pray for your presence to walk with us through the valley of the shadows of death.

Lord on our own, we are unable to and we fail so miserably, teach us this morning and all the days of our lives to depend on you wholly and solely, to look up to you even on those days our shoulders are heavily burdened by the sorrow and weight of this world and to always remember that You are for us, You are with us and You are in us, now and always. You’ll never leave us nor forsake us and the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Teach us to hold on to you and cling desperately to your hem because our lives depend in it.

We love you and we adore you, in Jesus name we pray, trusting and believing, and all God’s children say AMEN.