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Second Chances

EBENEZER!

30^th June 2023, the last day of the sixth month of 2023! To God be the glory and the honour for this far He has brought us, carried us and sustained us. Where would we be were it not for His mercies and grace? If the LORD had not been on our side— let Israel say— if the LORD had not been on our side when people attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away. Praise be to the LORD, who has not let us be torn by their teeth. We have escaped like a bird from the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. Our help is in the name of the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 124:1-8.

As I write this, my heart is overflowing with immense gratitude because God has been faithful and there are so many miracles: little, big (and everything in between) that we can all count and attest that God has been truly faithful. For starters being alive is a big testimony. Every day I watch the news there is always a grisly story of an accident or incident claiming the lives of people. But we are here and we are alive. Not because of anything special we have done or any claim of our holiness or righteousness, it’s by just by His grace and mercy. There are so many who lost their lives battling illness and serious medical conditions, but we are here and we are alive. There are so many who were involved in road accidents and lost their loved ones, yet we are here and we are alive, never been in an accident/survived one/ saved from one. Believe me, there are so many battles that God fights for us behind the scenes without our knowledge.

So can we just take a minute to reflect on the goodness of God and say Thank you Jesus!

From the rising of the sun to the setting of the same, the name of the LORD is to be praised. Psalm 113

At the onset of 2023, I was elated and it was not your usual New Year excitement, nope, it was more than that. It was more profound, there was a deeper spiritual meaning to my excitement. Back in 2022, a bigger part of the last quarter of the year from September I started feeling restless, like there was more I could/should have been doing with my life but I wasn’t. I started looking back at my life and looking for big milestones that in my mind I thought I should have achieved by then but there were nowhere in my list of accomplishments. I will be honest to admit that this is not a beautiful space to be mentally, spiritually, emotionally or even socially. I started demeaning the journey of where I had come from and where I was at that point because I was not seeing anything good about the process.

I started feeling that some blessings had taken too long to come to fruition. I started basing my value and worth on the things I had hoped to accomplish by a certain age and because I wasn’t seeing them, I got into a space of anxiety and hopelessness paired with despair. I started gradually pulling away from the things of God, things that I loved, blogging, journaling, devotions…and even when I did those things, it was more of lamentations, lol. I was carrying this heavy weighted cloud of gloom and sadness with me, feeling like a total failure and disappointment to God and to myself. Looking back at the entries in my journal then and weeeeeh!! I was spiraling into a dark place. Below is an excerpt from 23/11/22:

Lord, I am struggling. I feel am stuck, stagnated. I should be doing so much but am so little. Am not disciplined, not dreaming, not exploring my potential, not pushing myself. Am settling for less, for comfort. Like I know what I should be doing but I don’t and I sit and envy people who are doing their best. What’s wrong with me? Why am I comfortable with little? Shock me. I need an awakening, a revival. I know you have grand plans for me. How do I move from here to there? I have dreams, Rhema word, passions and desires but my life isn’t reflecting it. Why? Am I in the process? Am I keeping you waiting? What do I need to do? Where do I need to be? Who do I need to be? I don’t like this feeling. I need a difference. Am not fasting, not praying, not doing my devotions. journaling, blogging or serving. I am incompetent. I am limited, grossly.

Another excerpt from 6/12/22:

I look at the gap between 2020 and 2022 and clearly I have stagnated. I look at who I was in 2018/2019 and who I am now and there is a total difference. I stopped serving, praying fervently, fasting, devotions, writing my goals, blogging, dreaming, chasing goals. I just lived, small and settled, content, did not stretch. I survived. I don’t like this lazy uninspired version of me. Of all the great potential God has placed in me, I shouldn’t be content in been small, little, insignificant. I need to awake the giant in me. What happened? I need fresh fire, revival, anointing

When it rains, it pours and that’s exactly how I was feeling and struggling with, alone in a storm. I knew who I am in Christ, where I am from, with God being my source. I knew why am here, what I can do and where I am going. But I just couldn’t figure out how to get unstuck from where I was. People say showing weakness is a sign of strength, but I think it’s not weakness, it’s vulnerability and to admit to the fact that you are vulnerable is a form of courage that challenges you to step up to deal with that problem. It isn’t a façade that I am invulnerable, no one is invulnerable. Am glad that Jesus loves taking messes and transforming them into masterpiece and that He never says ‘’this is the last time I am putting you back together”.

All through September to November 2022, I was wallowing in and out of that sad state but one thing was constant, I kept crying out to God asking Him to awaken me, revive me, touch me once more, and say another word that would fire me back to momentum. Let me tell you guys, God is super faithful. He sees all our cries, hears all our prayers and answers according to His will for us in the Kingdom. Mid November my sister invited me to join this weekly online fellowship she had been attending for a while since October and it was where God was directing her to settle as a home church. For a while I was reluctant but eventually I warmed up to the idea and attended one or two services before God connected me to the man of God who has obtained the grace from God. Our very first interaction, He made a declaration over my life: that there was a space that I wanted to step into and I have been hoping that the Lord will quicken me to it but it seems long overdue. That the Lord is opening that door and I would walk in that space pretty soon and much would begin to shift through this new space, a dimension of change and the Lord is unlocking my purpose and especially in my gifting’s and potential.

To say I was elated is an understatement, I cried my heart out because after a long while, I felt heard and seen by God and it was pure love washing me all over again. And true to God’s word, which never goes back in vain and always fulfils the purpose it was sent to accomplish, the Lord turned my situation around to the glory and honour of His name. December was marked by so many testimonies of His faithfulness ranging from family to work to ministry. When I crossed over into 2023, deep in my spirit I knew it was not just a physical crossing into a new year but it was a change of season: the end of closed doors and the dawn of a new era of open doors. 30^th June 2023 and I am truly overwhelmed by God’s doing in my life in these 6 months, God has just been showing up and showing off on me.

I have seen the hand of God in my life and He has revived me and awakened the fire back on the altar. Am back to serving in church, the marriage ministry where has called us to be a light amidst the current darkness in this institution. My passions and dreams have been revived and am actively working on pursuing them from a Kingdom agenda. God has slowly disconnected me from relationships that were not aligned to Him and in return He has restored some divine relationships I had walked away from and connected me with new divine strategic relationships where we are all pursuing God together and keeping the fire of God burning amidst. Am back to journaling, dreaming, visions, fire for the word, am witnessing revival all around me, in my family and spaces. The list is so endless, I lack words: talk of divine favor, divine strategic connections and relationships, restoration, endless blessings and above all His Grace that carries me. Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us! 1 Samuel 7:12

All those feelings of restlessness, stagnation etc., He has/continues to deal with them and now I understand am on a journey to the glorious vision He showed me when I surrendered to him and accepted Him as my personal saviour and friend. I have come to understand that God will show you your vision but never tell you how to get there and there is a reason why. The vision is a glimpse of the end but there is a space between the end and where you are currently, that space is called the plan. The plan is the process that takes you to your destination. God will tell you your end like he showed Joseph in the dreams, the throne, the power with his brothers bowing doing to him. We all have dreams; we all have our end that He has revealed to us but God never tells us the plan because chances are we might tell Him to forget about the destination. If Joseph knew the pit and the prison was to come before the throne, he might have said forget about the throne. The plan is God’s secret. The plan is to prepare us for the destination so He takes us through all these phases to prepare and develop us.

So today am here to encourage you in the Lord, to urge you to put your trust in God even in the situations when what He has spoken don’t mirror your current situation. Any time you face a setback or the enemy sneaks in and whispers his deception, may you be encouraged that it is all part of the plan. Don’t panic, even your mistakes He will conform them to fulfil the purpose. Right now where you are may not be where you want to but it’s all part of the plan. God is working on character development, patience development, vision development etc. God is preparing you for what He has prepared for you.

God is faithful!

Inspiration Motivation Second Chances

Still We Rise!

The first blog post of 2023.

{A moment of silence}

I remember coming back here last year (https://mywalkoffaith.co.ke/the-return-of-the-prodigal/) and pouring out my heart saying how I felt extremely horrible for ghosting, letting myself, my walk of faith and my readers down. How despite the silence and not blogging for months/years, the flame never withered or died out, it was always in there, holding on to the last embers. Hope faintly burning on that one day we would get back to this ministry and that God would restore us back to penning down what He places in my heart.

{Sigh}

You would think that would have sparked the fire back to the full glory of its glaring blaze, you would think that the hiatus would have churned tonnes and tonnes of blogposts from the many months of absenteeism, you would think that the life experiences in between the months of silence would have overflowed into testimonies poured out here, to the glory and honor of Christ.

{A long sigh, lol}

I remember back in 2016 after I had been saved for a few months and I was burning for Christ. The Zoe life I had started experiencing was truly overwhelming and all I wanted to do was just scream out and share what God was doing. I wanted to tell the world of how amazing God is; how He was gracious enough to save a lil broken girl who was almost giving up on life, how He overlooked all her flaws, shortcomings and her scars & He choose her and restored her. How He shined His light upon her, comforted her of all the pain and baggage she had been carrying around, pain that she had heavily pegged her identity on. How He had bestowed on her a crown of beauty instead of ashes and she was now a living testimony of how a broken piece in the hands of the Master can be transformed to a masterpiece for the glory and honor of His name.

So I started writing and sharing my new found journey, I didn’t know much about blogging, it was a pretty new space that I dived head in and decided to trust not only the process but the God of the process. I started small, on a free site with zero audience but that never deterred the zeal, I knew I was doing what I felt led to do even on the days when the walk of faith had its slippery moments. I didn’t have the full picture of where this would lead or what would become of it, I didn’t have any expectations and even with my audience of one (God), I was just happy and content to have a space where I could pour out my heart and share what I was going through. Looking back, I miss this girl, the girl with the blind crazy childlike faith who didn’t need to wait for a clearer calling but would gladly follow the leading of the Spirit without any hesitations, reservations or interrogations.

In 2018, I got a clearer call that it was time to step into the public and launch an official blog thus https://mywalkoffaith.co.ke/ was born. I remember the excitement like it was yesterday, finally I was sharing my heart with the world and people would get a glimpse of my personal journey in salvation as I strived to follow in the footsteps of Christ. I was allowing Christ to use me as a mouthpiece to voice out what He placed in my spirit, allowing Him to use me as a vessel, to outpour His overwhelming love to His children, to bring healing to broken hearts and give hope to despairing souls. I moved from an audience of one to a platform where hundreds would be reached and impacted for His glory and I loved my ministry because as I was pouring my heart, I was also growing in my faith. I still didn’t have the bigger picture but I was happy to step in obedience and do what I was called to do for that season.

One year down the line, BAKE (Bloggers Association of Kenya) 2019 happened and I was more than humbled to say the least…truly God is amazing and super faithful. Who would have thought that three years down the line in salvation and an year into blogging, this girl would be nominated for a national award under best religious/ spiritual blog, placed in the same category as personalities I’ve grown up looking up to… But God. He qualifies the unqualified. That night I looked back at the journey it had taken to get here and I broke down in tears…years of struggling with anger, bitterness and hurt from a broken childhood that left me messed up. Years of struggling with self-esteem and self-worth, lost in a lack of identity, years of searching for my validation in the arms of the wrong men, a search that left me more hurt, broken and damaged. Years of struggling to believe that my life could be better than the situation I lived in, years of doubt that God would forgive me for my mistakes and that He, in his perfect Holiness could love a sinner like I was.

Only a Father’s pure unconditional love can reach out to the grimy, slimy pits of emptiness and hopelessness, the deep trenches of hurt and brokenness, the dark caves clouded with despair and desperation. Only a Father’s heart can feel the last desperate heartbeats of a child who’s giving up on life and show up just in the nick time. Only a Father’s eyes can see beyond the smiles and the make-up, the facades and appearances we put for people yet deep down we are sinking further into depression. And only a Father’s arms can stretch open wide to receive us in our stained attires, embrace us and give new garments of praise, new identities and make us new creations. What can’t God do?

That was 2019, the fire, the passion, the drive and the zeal was still burning furiously and I was serving the Lord wholeheartedly. Accolades or not, audience of many or one, it didn’t matter because for me the ultimate joy was in the inner work that Christ was doing in me, the scars that He had chosen to use for His glory, the vessel of clay that He had honored to be the evidence of His hand upon my life. The bigger picture and the highest calling was the impact of the blog as a ministry and the number of souls that would be saved for the glory and honor of Christ. So I kept pushing, kept writing, pouring my heart, reaching people globally. Kept churning weekly blog posts and with time it became fortnightly, then monthly then quarterly then gradually I stopped…slow fade!

{A longer sigh, lol}

The first few days of ghosting, I felt extremely horrible for letting myself, my audience of one and my walk of faith down, then another couple of weeks down the line I felt a little less horrible and then it spiraled downwards until months turned into an year, years and I honestly no longer felt horrible, I succumbed and just became numb. It’s always a slow gradual fade, you don’t wake up in sin, nope, it’s a gradual progression. It starts small, little, almost harmless and when not nipped in time, when its fed continually, it grows and matures until finally it’s a fully blown out of hand crisis.

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15

Despite not writing for eons, I never stopped thinking about it, it was always lingering at the back of my mind like the heart tag of your first love. And it’s not to say I had fallen off the bandwagon of salvation, nope, I was still a church girl, loving the Lord, pursuing Him in my walk of faith, witnessing Him being super faithful in my life and of those around me, celebrating the numerous answered prayers He was fulfilling. The only thing I stopped doing was actively serve in ministry for three years, a season I never anticipated, a season of silence, doubts, regrets and so many emotions in between. I had loved ones who kept querying why I stopped writing and most importantly when I would get back to it and I didn’t have a valid answer to be quite honest. Maybe I stopped walking in obedience in terms of the leading of the Spirit when it came to serving, maybe I learned to rely on my own strength and not flow in His grace thus ended up burned out, maybe God answered some major prayers and I allowed the pleasures and pressures of the blessing to take the top priority and put Him in the passenger’s seat. Maybe it was a season of been hidden in training for manifestations…

I had my moments of deep, gut-wrenching anguish and regret, days where I would sit and think “what ifs”. What would have been had I kept on writing? Serving? How many souls would I have reached? If after one year of blogging I was nominated for awards, where would the journey have taken me? How much I had disappointed God? To this end, was I even deserving of a second chance?

For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, Proverbs 24:16.

Enough is enough. Am done feeling mellow and all sorry for myself, lol. Am getting up from the ashes and jumping back to blogging, back to what I love doing and most importantly back to serving and walking in obedience in this ministry. I am so grateful to God for His never ending mercies and His faithfulness even in my faithlessness. I am so grateful that He never grows weary of picking me up and getting me back on track. I am so grateful that He never grows impatient with this living sacrifice that keeps crawling away from the altar.

Do I know how this will play out? No. Will I start and fall again into silence? I don’t know. Will I be consistent? I know I will try but am such a wretched man like Paul said in Romans 7:15 for what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. What I do know is I am a carrier of the glory of God through Christ Jesus and He never fails so I will anchor myself on Him and Him alone. I know am weak and my weaknesses are perfect for Him. As Charles Spurgeon once said in a sermon, “God does not need your strength: He has more than enough power of his own. He asks your weakness: He has none of that Himself, and He is longing, therefore, to take your weakness, and use it as the instrument in His own mighty hand. So I will yield my weakness to Him, and receive His strength.

I refuse to continue living thinking I’ve blown God’s will for my life because clearly am not that powerful. Jesus loves taking messes and transforming them into priceless rubies. I don’t have it all together and I can’t wait to tell the world how much of a mess I was/am and show them what the power of God can do, all for His glory and honor.

So let’s get back to blogging and sharing about this amazing journey of faith, this beautiful love story of a girl and her God, shall we?

And if you are out there feeling like you missed out on a certain season or gone through an intense one that almost broke you to the point you have written yourself off, don’t be discouraged. Like John Piper once said, occasionally weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that He’s given you. Don’t let that season you missed/lived through define you, let God have the final say in your life.

No matter what life throws at us, we refuse to lay down defeated and cowering in shame and pain and guilt, we let it hit us and then STILL WE RISE!!

Second Chances

HEALING AND GRACE!!

When God breaks you, He binds you and builds you but at times we break ourselves and we end up with shattered pieces and a messed up heart.

Open-heart confession; the last one and a half months have been tough on me ?. I found myself in a space full of new levels that triggered bouts of anxieties and ended up in self-doubt. It’s funny how we always pray for growth but when it comes with its challenges, we want to shrink back to the comfort zone we are so used to. We are tempted to plunge right in and tackle them on our own strength forgetting that we didn’t get to that level by our own effort but purely through God’s grace and favors. We forget that if God called us to that space then surely and certainly will He provide the grace to walk the path. That’s exactly what happened to this girl child; she forgot who her daddy was and that was the beginning of her meltdown.

For a couple of months I had been praying for a new level and God, being my ever awesome loving Father, opened doors and I found myself progressing. I was elated to say the least and above all I was in awe of God’s doing. Just before I settled, I started having lil doubts about it and a million questions ran through my mind. Would I handle that role? How would I manage the responsibilities? Was I capable? It got to a point I started comparing myself to others, what if I couldn’t match up to my predecessors? Would people judge me by their standards? Would they expect me to act and be like them?

I managed to successfully work myself into a frenzy and had to ask a close confidante of mine to talk some sense in my head, which she did by reminding me of our favourite verse Philippians 4:6-8 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

The verse managed to calm me down into perspective; I stepped up my game and delved head in to the responsibilities. For a while, things ran smoothly, the challenges were exhilarating, I was settling into the new role, things were running smoothly; it felt like everything was under control. But there was one teeny weeny problem, I was running on my own steam, handling things on my own and eventually, it started showing. I was getting snappy at the slightest provocation, I was so engrossed I gradually began missing my weekly fellowships, I was getting home too tired to have my evening reflections and waking up so drowsy to have my personal morning devotions.

On the outside it looked like everything was falling in place but on the inside, things were slowly falling apart. I started growing weary of pouring out to people who were too happy only with receiving, I started becoming too aggressive and rubbing people off wrongly and the key highlight was I started noticing flaws in people I interacted with. I could easily pick out 100 wrongs and struggle to find three rights, a trait that was completely unlike me.

Slowly by slowly the cracks started appearing on the outside and I did what I once used to do best, pull myself away from crowds. I retreated into a corner, held a pity party for myself and begun recalling my past. I relieved memories of people who I held in high esteem but at my lowest point, they were nowhere in sight. I remembered the past failures that once crippled me and I started blaming myself for those wrongs. I became bitter; bitter with myself, bitter with my family and friends who had let me down.

All this was happening in my head, no one knew the battles I was grappling with internally but I walked around with a chip on my shoulders, carrying grudges with people who had no clue why I was pushing them away. It got to a point I didn’t want to pick my phone calls outside work, I struggled with my prayers and devotions, my cup had literally run dry and I was badly hurting and bruised.

Anxiety and depression isn’t always shutting yourself in a room and crying yourself to sleep, at times it masks itself in the most normal things. Like struggling to wake up every day, struggling to make your bed, tidy your room, do the things you’re used to, struggling to communicate with your loved ones, struggling to stay still and keep your mind at ease.

The danger about isolation is that you fight it alone and you are already not best placed to think critically so you end up believing the lies in your head. You judge others so harshly at their mistakes, mistakes that only exist in your mind and even if they were true events, you’ve magnified the whole story and blown it out of proportion. You end up beating yourself up and drowning in your own condemnations. The more you try talk yourself out of it, the deeper the hole you dig yourself into until it gets to a point you believe you possibly can’t come out of that darkness.

Most holes we dig ourselves into, only Christ can reach down and pull us out from.

Some situations we bury ourselves in, only God can bring us back to life. He is the only one who can bear the burden of our self pity and the shattered pieces of our brokenness. He is the only one who can’t be fooled by the masks and facades we struggle to show the world. He is the only one who sees the hurt in our eyes and hears our hearts breaking. Like dead Lazarus wrapped up in linen and buried in the tombstone, Jesus is the only one who sees beyond our stench of rottenness and is willing to walk right in the mess, when everyone had given up, and call us back to life.

I needed to go to back to the King:

Take me to the King by Tamela Mann

I don’t have much to bring,
My heart is torn in pieces,
It’s my offering,
Take me to the King.

Truth is I’m tired,
Options are few,
I’m trying to pray,
But where are you?
I’m all churched out,
Hurt and abused,
I can’t fake,
What’s left to do?

Truth is I’m weak,
No strength to fight,
No tears to cry,
Even if I tried,
But still my soul,
Refuses to die,
One touch-will change-my life.

Take me to the King,
I don’t have much to bring,
My heart’s torn into pieces,
It’s my offering.

Lay me at the throne,
Leave me there alone,
To gaze upon your glory,
And sing to you this song,
Please take me to the King.

Truth is it’s time,
To stop playing these games,
We need a word,
For the people’s pain.

So Lord speak right now,
Let it fall like rain,
We’re desperate,
We’re chasing after you.

No rules, no religion,
I’ve made my decision,
To run to You,
The Healer that I need,…

Lord we’re in the way,
We keep making mistakes,
The glory’s not for us,
It’s all for You!

And when I couldn’t take myself to the King, He came down to my pit and picked me out of it. He gently wiped off my grime and dirt, He cleaned me up, nursed and oiled my wounds and made sure I was standing again. Not on my feet, but on His shoulders. I think we both agreed that on my own I couldn’t do it. It was fighting a losing battle. I was wiser now. I wasn’t going to rush into anything without His consent and His approval.

Like Moses, I had a new stand; “Now if indeed I have found favor in Your sight, please let me know Your ways, that I may know You and find favor in Your sight. Remember that I am your daughter. If Your presence does not go with me, please do not lead me from here. For how then can it be known I have found favor in Your sight, unless You go with me? How will anyone know that you are pleased with me unless you go with me? (Exodus 33:14-16)

It’s not a “Get out of the mud and get back running on the track” kinda situation, it’s a slow progress of Him reassuring me that despite my flaws, He still loves me unconditionally.

It’s a journey of working on my pride and teaching me to surrender the throne of my heart once more back to Him.

It’s a process of Him unearthing all the wounds and past hurts I had buried deep in my heart, things I thought I had overcome but sadly I was still holding onto grief, hidden wounds, battling with unforgiveness, holding secret grudges.

We have a long way to go but walking with Christ makes every step worthwhile. Am ready for Him to break me up again and mold me into the vessel He desires. Am done doing things on my own. Biggest lesson am learning; If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 1^st Corinthians 10:12. I thought I had mastered my walk of faith enough to walk it alone but my pride, my lies and I, all three of us, lol, came tumbling down faster than we could say humpty dumpty.

At times we break ourselves up but God reassures that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28. Indeed He is our Counselor, our Comforter, our Keeper, He offers hope when our hearts have hopelessly lost our way and He gives the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.

************

Sending warm thoughts and prayers to everyone out there struggling with battles we can’t see. Don’t give up the fight, God is greater than whatever we face here in this world, and He fights for us still today!

Second Chances

CAN GOD BE TRUSTED?

Can God be trusted? A beautiful testimony of faith, courage and God’s grace by Catherine Muriithi; an amazing woman of God who lives and breathes Christ, who inspires many to passionately and relentlessly pursue God and who lives her life as a testimony of what God can do with a surrendered, submitted heart.

“Each time am giving my daughter who is eight months old a bath, the Holy Spirit is always quick to point out the kind of trust that she has in me. Even when I hold her in a dangerous position as am bathing her head (don’t ask questions if you never bathed a baby), she is always bubbly and excited, ready to get into the water, to splash it everywhere (yes, we are in the space of wetting the entire room when showering, story for another day).I remember the Holy Spirit nudged me once and I mentioned to my husband; Tumi trusts mum can’t drop her so she is looking forward to have fun while bathing.

Part of my great weakness as a choleric-sanguine is my desire to always be in charge of everything and more importantly my future. This was one of the tests that the Lord gave me when I surrendered my life to Jesus. What most of us do not realise is accepting Christ to be Lord is one thing and surrendering your life facets is another. So typically I held on to my relationship facet thinking God didn’t care about that one.

Little did I know He was planning a big one for me. One year down the line, am in this very working relationship with a friend I had met back in high school and in my mind I knew for sure this was it as we had discussed how we were going to settle down in a few years. Just as am getting comfortable and trusting God to help us achieve this, bang! God tells me that I need to leave the relationship….but God I thought you had good plans for my life, how now? I thought you were happy for me and you wanted your child to be happy..reeeeeally? He didn’t say it once, He kept repeating it until I had no peace. It was an uphill task even trying to mention it to my boyfriend then seeing we were happily dating and in love.

After about two months of disobedience and sharing with my close friend, God literally told me I have to choose between him and Him. When I tried to pray Him out of the idea, yeah right I did try to ask Him to change His mind but He kept referring me to His decision, Him or him. By His grace I managed to break off the relationship and I told God to do what He wanted with me.

The healing was not easy, it took a bit of time and He promised to heal my heart which felt somewhat broken, Psalms 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted and binds their wounds” became my scripture each time I was lonely. God who is kind and loving allowed me to heal and we started having some tough conversations. He started by pointing out my dysfunctional relationship with my dad which had been ailed by my rebellious nature before I met Christ. It seemed irreparable, we only spoke when we had to and I would go for weeks without saying hi to him. The Lord pointed out to me He desired to make me malleable to His will on my relationship with men. He said I was not even ready to get married if I could not even hold a relationship with my dad.

All this while am in campus where life is happening, guys are hitting on me, my friends are getting hook ups each day and here I am, staying single, we (God and yours truly) agreed on a two year period for this tutorship. God was intentional and meant business, in that season He brought to me about three people who seriously mentored me on what a godly marriage meant. I started spending so much time in prayer and in reading the word of God. In a short time, my heart had completely healed and I felt a deep reconnection with my father and I soon started recognising him as the head of our home. My relationship with him tremendously improved and now I could serve him a cup of tea without feeling like “doesn’t he have hands of his own.” God brought my way some serious women fellowships and as I went there I got more and more shaped. My perspective on submission changed. I realised I was a bitter girl and I needed to allow God to teach me.

Two years later, I reminded God, now is the time, remember our agreement. By this time, I had given Him a list of what I desired in a man. Ladies we all know our fantasy man, taller than me, handsome, financially stable etc. However one that always stood out for me was I needed a man who was my friend prior to dating, one who would find favour with my family and one who understood what grace is (one who would see the skeletons in my closet without judging me).The year of our Lord 2013 was the year, I kept declaring to my friends am dating this year, the year came and went but nothing, oh how I felt conned.

As the year came to an end, God woke me up one early morning and I heard the song in my spirit ”Covenant keeping God”, He later made me go outside and showed me the sky, a broad rainbow was there and He said ’Just as I have kept my covenant from Noah’s time, I will keep my covenant”. I was delighted to see He still remembered but I was growing impatient. The next year I had a girlfriend who was getting married and my heart was all into the wedding. In the process my girlfriend points out that do you know so and so told me he likes you .This particular guy, I had met him in January 2013 through a mutual friend in church and we grew to be friends. He however was not on my list of potentials since he was laid back, calm but very friendly, he was going through a rough patch in life having lost a job and looking for one. Meanwhile a family friend started pursuing me, and I liked it. He drove a four wheel car, had a career and a number of businesses, was a church elder in their church and was a good man by my estimations.

A few months down the line of taking coffees and lunches with my family friend, whom by now my family had started suspecting something was in the offing, I felt I needed to check with God before it became serious and surprise, surprise, He answered me in a vivid dream where I saw the first guy stuck in a pool and I pulled his shoe out then drew his attention to an extra pair of shoes on his back. That set me aback but knowing God and the way He works, I started praying for my heart and three months later the guy asked for my hand in courtship and I was ready for him as we had our agreements with God. A year and a half later, we got married.

In retrospect, am grateful to God for bringing him my way for he has loved me in difficult times, understood me and calmed me down when my explosive nature has come into play. December 5^th this year will be 3 years of marriage and I can look back and see that it was important for God to prepare and teach me on how to be a wife and a helper. God has blessed our marriage with a baby girl and this has heightened our love and dependence on God. I thank God I have a man who prays for me, encourages me in the Lord and one who provides leadership in our home in a godly way.

Can I trust God even when He seems to be taking me the longer route?

Yes, I can because His plans for my life are good and perfect.”

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I pray that her story inspires you to keep pushing on, holding on, keep praying and walking the faith; to know that God never forgets you and in His own timing, He makes everything BEAUTIFUL!!!

Lots of love,

Second Chances

BEAUTY IN THE EYES OF CHRIST!

Happy new Month, yaaaaay!! I am always excited about new beginnings, can’t explain the feeling, it’s a mixture of freshness, zeal and hope galore, more like having a new blank canvas and getting to paint your dreams out. Last month I encouraged us to look back on our lives, count our blessings and share our stories of how Christ helped us to overcome.

Today I get to share a story that moved me to tears, an amazing testimony of a soul I hold dear in my heart and life, a soul I’ve come to love and treasure for the beautiful blessing she is.

“Growing up, I had a very clear picture in my mind of how I wanted my life to be; go to school work hard, get good grades, join the university, get a good job, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have kids and live happily thereafter. I believe this was pretty much every little girl’s dream and what the society taught and expected of us. Being a pastor’s kid (PKs as we are mostly known as) I knew that there was no way I was supposed to divert from this but little did I know…..

In primary school I was doing pretty well. I had good grades and teachers would constantly refer to me when talking about working hard and being ambitious. Despite being the top girl in class and being given a leadership role, deep down I felt empty. My face was full of pimples (adolescence), I was that chubby girl in class and pretty much had low self-esteem. Other girls had these good relationships with the opposite sex and for me it was a constant struggle. I craved for attention like the other girls but it never came my way and if it did, it came from boys that I did not like.

When I joined high school, this was pretty much the case though this time round I was not a top student. During games and other extra-curricular activities, our then principal would encourage us to interact with boys from visiting schools and insisted that life wasn’t all about books and she was right. I still didn’t get the attention that other girls were getting and God knows as others got souvenirs I got none. I felt ugly, I felt disgusting and above all I felt unworthy. I was still the fat, ugly girl in class; that was how I perceived myself.

I was blessed to join campus and while there in my first year I met a guy who in my eyes was the most handsome guy in campus. He swept me off my feet and finally the ugly girl had a guy to call her boyfriend and for once in her life she felt beautiful. The relationship was great but deep down I still did not understand what this guy saw in me. I was still fat and viewed myself as being ugly. When the guy cheated on me a couple of times, I felt that it was my fault, that I was not good enough but still I held unto the relationship because I felt that no other guy would love me or even notice me. I gave, gave and gave some more to prove how worthy I was and despite all the signs that the relationship was heading south, in my desperation I still held on. Until that one fateful day the guy woke up and walked away never to look back or return and left me shattered.

In my quest to seek validation and to be loved, I looked for love in all the wrong places and made a whole lot of mistakes. The irony was I was still in church, I would still say that I was saved and was part of the worship team. Do you know those Sunday Morning Christians? That was me. Part of me wanted to have a deep relationship with God but still the other part of me wanted to be validated by the world. In my career, things were good, pretty good; I had a good job and a good salary that gave me a pretty modest lifestyle that I wanted at 25.

As I grew career wise, I knew that I wanted to be in a stable relationship so when I met this other guy I pointed out from the word go that I wanted a serious relationship. You know the thing with being spiritually blind and desperate as I may say, you are not able to distinguish fake from real. The guy said that was the same case with him and in my humane eyes I thought that God had finally brought the perfect guy in my life. Truthfully speaking, the guy had almost everything that I wanted from a guy but did not have the one thing that I was praying for in a guy; a deep relationship with God. Once again I compromised because he was the kind of guy that I thought I wanted and yet I again I gave , gave and gave some more, all because I fell for the guy and I still wanted to prove that I was that girl that he wanted .

Early into the relationship as fate would have it I got pregnant and no matter how shook I was, I knew that the right thing was to keep the baby. As it was end of the year I went to church as usual but this time round I prayed for God to give my baby and I the strength to face life as it would come and also that the baby daddy could be part of us. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to be the case as I carried the pregnancy to term alone. Thankfully, my bosses and colleagues were very supportive and above all my parents. With my dad being a Pastor, he embraced me whole heartedly (Bless you mum and Dad), my siblings and my ride or die girlfriend stood by me. However, the judgments that came with me being pregnant were many. But I wouldn’t judge those who judged me because to the world I was that Christian girl attending fellowships and one who was active in church. You cannot live a double standard life and expect God to be pleased with you.

In my quest for love and getting validation from the world, I was now a single mum. Was I ready? No. I almost sank into post-partum depression and I knew I was depressed when I once slapped my then two months baby out of frustration. This was my wakeup call coupled with a number of humiliating and degrading things that I was told by the father of my son. I can’t however blame him for that 100% because I had my own share of messiness. I could not comprehend how I would do such a thing as slap a baby but there and then I knew that I wanted to give it all to God and give myself to God now for real.

A year later, I took time to reflect and I realized that all my life I was seeking validation from the wrong places and all this while I never knew my true value. I sold myself short. I really did not understand what God meant when He said I was His child. A King’s daughter does not need to beg for anything. I did not know that God wanted more for my life. To the world I had a good job, a good life and now a healthy handsome boy but only God knew the kind of a wreck I was deep down. I was an empty as it could get.

Thank God for Grace. I learnt to forgive myself for all my foolishness and surrendered my whole being to God and slowly by slowly He put me back together. What a forgiving and loving God He is. By taking time to meditate upon His word, I have known my value in Him and realized that I do not need validation from anyone and I should serve Him with all sincerity.

I have gotten to a crazy point of self- love and ultimately slowly realizing my purpose in life and through God’s grace, trying to be an amazing mum to my now one year going to ten months handsome baby boy who this year won a national baby competition showing me that God is not yet done with us.

He is indeed a God of second chances. I am fully committed to Him now more than ever before. I still struggle with some stuff here and there, but with God, He makes the load easier. When you know your worth in God, you do not need anyone to tell it to you. We are what God says we are and when you know your value, the rest of the world will see it and respect that.”

Blessings and praying for all those struggling with low self-esteem,

Gracefully Broken.

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I hope her story inspires you to look within and discover whom you look up to for your identity, for your worth. Many at times we live looking down on ourselves because we feel the weight of our failures every time we fall short of the worldly standards.

If the world, broken as it is, becomes your mirror, then without a doubt you will always see shattered pieces of yourself and you’ll never be whole.

If Christ becomes your identity, then you’ll walk in the fullness of His grace, His love, His peace, His unconditional love. You will know the reason why you were created and the great plans He has in store for you. You will walk in your purpose and fulfill his good, perfect and pleasing will.

May prayer is you live a satisfying, fulfilling and infinitely blessed life through His eyes.

Second Chances

UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED.

Am totally excited to be alive in this new month of June and for me it’s more of a Selah moment you know, pause and reflect on the far God has brought me. It’s that half year mark where I take stock of how 2018 has been so far, the milestones am making and the gaps I need to build up on to achieve the vision I have for the year. Am finding myself in a reflective season where am counting my blessings and giving praise to the one who enabled me, keeps enabling me and will forever enable me to stand, to conquer and to win all for the glory and honor of His name, Christ Jesus.

In our last post Testimony, I encouraged us to look back on our lives and point out the battles God had won for us then share our stories so as to encourage, uplift and pour out hope to those who were travelling the same path as us.

In light to sharing our testimonies here is the first testimony as received. She wished to remain anonymous and we will respect that.

I am turning 26 in two months and am already a mother of three. Three dead children. And no, I didn’t have any miscarriage. I willingly aborted my three babies. I know what you’re thinking, maybe even judging…

I grew up in a loving home, had everything I needed, wanted and anything else in between. I was pretty much a daddy’s girl so my childhood was full of our outdoor adventures and lots of pampering. All was rosy until my dad got retrenched, drowned himself in alcohol and turned abusive.

I can count the nights we slept home in our beds. Majority of the nights we were chased out into the cold to sleep on verandas. Every night was a terror, afraid of what chaos he would arise. Some he would come and start beating her for no reason and no matter how much we tried to fight back, I was too little to help. I was barely nine years old then. The kicks and slaps would occasionally land on me and mum had to take the easiest route out, escape with her kids. I never understood how my hero turned out to be my greatest nightmare.

So I grew up with this deep ache and void that I couldn’t tell anyone because well, who wants to share that they live in an abusive home and every day as darkness approaches they want to die and escape the living hell??

The first man who gave me attention and tender loving swept me off my feet. I had just turned 18. I gave him my all but he didn’t reciprocate back, turned out he just wanted an easy lay. Before I could figure out the next step I got pregnant. We were both in first year at campus, he couldn’t support a family, I didn’t want to make things worse at home so I got my first abortion.

And boy did it make me a wreck, I turned promiscuous, sleeping around to numb the pain and give me a temporary distraction. E-pills became a daily diet. Didn’t take me long and I got pregnant again, this time with a married man. And again I was afraid of the shame it would bring me and the fear that I couldn’t support my baby so I aborted. This spiraled me worse and five months later I was pregnant for the third time only that this time I wasn’t sure who was the dad so I couldn’t face it and my third abortion was procured.

I was barely 24, all alone, couldn’t open up for fear of stigma so I turned to drinking and sleeping around. I struggled with my shame and my pain for so long till one night I dragged myself to church and broke down in tears. I wanted God to let me die but He wasn’t done with me clearly.

That night He reached down and whispered softly that I was His and if I allowed Him, He was able to rescue me, rebuild me and restore me. I surrendered my life to Him that day and it’s been one year and four months of walking with him in Purity (Yes, abstinence is possible only through His grace).

Do I still think of my babies, yes I do. Am I feeling guilty? No. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Am forgiven of my past and healed of my pain. Though I never got a chance to truly reconcile with my dad before he passed away, but I hold no bitterness in my heart. I love him to bits even in death because at the end of it all, it’s the good memories that carry me through and above all, God’s Grace and unconditional love.

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