It’s four days to the end of the September 2019 and I haven’t blogged this entire month. It’s good to get that off my chest. I am certified procrastinator 🤣 but I assure you this wasn’t the case this time round. I’ve been torn between battling this out on my own privately or pouring out my heart here and every time I felt like cowering away, the Spirit kept reminding me gently that I’ve submitted myself fully to God, all the pieces, broken or whole and it didn’t matter which state I was in, He’d still work it out for good for His glory and honor.
At times we doubt ourselves, our journey, the situations that abound us, if this is not you, that’s perfectly fine, well done,cheers lol…but as for me, am in constant need of grace to get to that space. God has to constantly remind me that He sees the beauty in my imperfections, that every lil part of me has a purpose in His plans, that He needs all of me, the whole SUM and not just SOME parts. And that if I turn it all over to Him, those broken parts, those lil pieces, those holes, He’ll shine His LIGHT right through them and set the world ablaze.
This has been a heavy month for me.
I was totally ecstatic when the month started, celebrating the last month of Quarter 3, gearing up to achieve the goals I’d set up, ticking off plans and targets, it was coming along great until that fateful morning, 4th September when I got that call early in the morning and my world stopped for a minute as I felt my heart heavily crushing down into a million pieces. We had lost a loved one.
I remember I was preparing to leave for work but I just crushed and sat down, dumb founded with no words to say back, I must have hung up the phone and called out to my mum who came rushing and I broke down in her arms, wailing and trying to explain what had just happened, and for a while we just sat there, crying and trying to come to terms with the devastating news.
For the next two weeks as we went about the burial preparations, I was running on autopilot…my body was up and about, playing different roles, being present and helping out, coordinating activities, smile on my face, being totally strong for my girls but deep down within me, everything was still at a standstill, I had almost become numb. I fought the tears, mustered all my strength and courage but if someone pricked me a lil, I was on the verge of a meltdown. It was so bad, I was struggling to pray, I had so many questions to ask God, I was mad, furious, saddened, broken, crushing.. I wanted Him to hold me so tight but still push Him far away because He allowed this to happen.
I carried my Bible with me, as if trying to get strength from poring through the scripture but nothing made sense, my world was grey skies and dark ugly clouds. It got so bad I found myself craving a hard drink, something I hadn’t done in years, whiskey, rum, tonic just anything to make me forget the pain. I thank God was constantly there, holding me and reminding me my strength only came from Him, no drink, and no human could possibly fill the void. I broke down twice and cried my heart out, the day we went to hospital to see him and the final day we laid him to rest.
It’s been 24 days but still my heart aches, grief has no manual and the journey is different for everyone. Days pass by and you regain your strength in bits, there are days you’ll smile, reminisce the beautiful memories you shared, laugh again but the pain never goes away, it stays and sticks like glue, it will always be a part of your new life and you learn to share a room with in it your ‘house’. It won’t be the only room you’ll lock yourself in, but it will still be there.
And I think that’s the healthy way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. It’s accepting the pain and embracing it. It’s not rushing to chase it away. It’s making room for it and not fighting it or hiding it away from it. It’s allowing yourself to be in that dark cold room of your grief and also allowing yourself to step into other rooms of joy, happiness, peace and comfort. It’s allowing the grace of God to heal you and hold your hand until you learn to open the windows in the dark room, allow a little sunshine in, some fresh air to make the room alive and eventually, it will be a room you’ll step in and be flooded not with sadness and pain but beautiful memories you shared with them.
I bear my heart here because am not a perfect Christian…am just called by a Perfect Saviour. I have my moments of weaknesses, of failure, of doubt, moments I struggle to pray, read the word, fellowship. But in all these moments, my God never changes. He remains the same who loves me unconditionally, sees me through His lenses of love and grace, floods His mercies new every morning, leaves the throne to come embrace me and rock me like a little girl in His blossom. No am not perfect, am just loved perfectly.
And I’ve learned on the days I can’t run to the throne, or walk this faith out, I can crawl to Him, naked and vulnerable, broken and bruised and He’ll cover me, He’ll wipe away my tears, He’ll bind my broken heart, He is my balm of Gilead. I can always come to Him just the way I am. When I don’t have much to bring and am torn into pieces, that is my offering and I take it to Him. When am tired, churched out, hurt and abused, when I have no strength to fight, no tears to cry, I go to Him because I know one touch will change my life. When all I can do is lay there at the throne, when I can’t open my mouth to pray, I’ll still be at His throne. Because where else would I find my healing and grace??
I know so many of us are going through a rough patch, in one way or another, dealing with this life… And this morning I commit all of us in the able Hands of our heavenly Father, I pray for super natural healing, for comfort, for peace of our minds and hearts that only God can provide, I pray for His overwhelming love to drown us in His embrace, I pray for the strength to pick up ourselves and our pieces, I pray for your presence to walk with us through the valley of the shadows of death.
Lord on our own, we are unable to and we fail so miserably, teach us this morning and all the days of our lives to depend on you wholly and solely, to look up to you even on those days our shoulders are heavily burdened by the sorrow and weight of this world and to always remember that You are for us, You are with us and You are in us, now and always. You’ll never leave us nor forsake us and the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Teach us to hold on to you and cling desperately to your hem because our lives depend in it.
We love you and we adore you, in Jesus name we pray, trusting and believing, and all God’s children say AMEN.