Relationships

Thank you for the amazing feedback on part 1,to God be the glory and honor. I am excited to continue the monthly series about marriage but first, catch up on part one here {Part 1}

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.

To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.

But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.”

Timothy J. Keller

Searching:

After two years of being hidden away, the Lord impressed upon my heart that it was time and boy wasn’t I excited. I was excited because I knew this time round, I was not stepping out on my own. I knew God was going ahead to lead the way. I was excited because I knew I had fully maximized my single season and I was ready to level up and serve God with one of His sons. I was excited because I knew (or so I thought) that we had dealt with the pain and baggage of the past and I was ready to begin a new journey.

When I got born again, I held the assumption that shortly after my commitment, the Lord would bless me with a partner. Looking back, I realize how entitled I was in that mind-set. However, two years later, I had grown in maturity to understand that this journey was not a sprint but a marathon. What became most important was relishing each moment, savoring every step without haste. I understood the significance of not missing the valuable lessons God intended for me to learn. As the months passed without the arrival of a partner, I wasn’t overly alarmed, but I’d be dishonest if I said there wasn’t a part of me that counted and wondered. Trusting and fully surrendering to God, I learned, is an ongoing, lifelong journey.

There were several men who approached me, and I made it a practice to take these encounters before God in prayer. This became my saving grace, as God consistently responded with a resounding ‘NO!’ Some of these rejections were easier to accept, while others took some convincing, to say the least. I recall one encounter with a man I met on a bus while heading home. Our conversation sparked instantly, and as he was about to alight, he asked for my number, to which I obliged. However, as he got off the bus before me, I immediately prayed, asking God to intervene if this wasn’t His will. By the time I arrived home, the initial excitement had faded, and I knew deep down that it wasn’t meant to be. In the end, it never even began.

Another guy entered the picture when I was in need of technical support while setting up my blog. We were introduced by a friend, and he truly came through for me. After weeks of working closely together, we both sensed there was some chemistry. However, God answered swiftly with a resounding ‘NO,’ and it quickly became history. Then, there was a young pastor whom I met while volunteering at a children’s home. He, too, was serving there, and I couldn’t help but think that this might be it. He was saved, I was saved, and we were both dedicated to serving in the field of children’s ministry

We would often talk about God, attend keshas (overnight prayers) in our respective churches, and it seemed like we were on the same path—or so I believed. One evening, I was at home relaxing when he called, asking if he could come over for a visit. However, it was late, and I was alone, so I declined. His persistence in wanting to come over despite my refusal left me unsettled. Before I allowed myself to become too attached, I prayed earnestly to God, asking Him to reveal the true state of this man’s heart, sensing that something wasn’t quite right.

To my surprise and dismay, I discovered that he was living with another woman and they even had a child together. It was a shocking revelation, but it was clear that God had intervened in showing me the truth

Courting:

After this, I made the decision to halt my active search and instead focus on pursuing God while serving Him, trusting in His timing to bring the right person into my life. True to His promise, God orchestrated the next encounter. By then, my blog was up and running, and I was actively sharing my journey of faith, receiving an overwhelmingly positive response. One day, a close friend who happened to be a colleague approached me with feedback about the blog from her friend. This friend consistently shared positive feedback, eventually expressing an interest in connecting with me directly. After discussing it with my friend, I agreed, viewing it as an extension of my ministry.

However, our initial interaction didn’t go as smoothly as expected. He approached me with the assumption that we had met before, referencing a past encounter at work where he sought my assistance. He praised my professionalism and customer service, though I couldn’t recall the interaction as I was simply doing my job. Additionally, we had crossed paths at various events, but unfortunately, I couldn’t place him. This misunderstanding led to a brief period of awkwardness, during which I went silent for a couple of days.

Turns out he was an ‘inner circle ‘friend to my colleague (and her spouse) so they reached out to me and asked me to go easy on him. Days later, he reached out again and this time I was open to engaging in conversation. From the word go it was a nourishing talk, he challenged me about areas I could step out from my comfort zone and grow further. We kept talking for weeks on phone and our mutual friends decided it was time to up the game. They excitedly arranged a double date out of town in Nakuru, which meant embarking on a roughly 5-hour drive (to and fro), with me as his co-driver. This was our very first meet up and during the journey we talked nonstop, played games and quickly discovered we shared many passions and interests. It was truly refreshing. Upon reaching Nakuru, we enjoyed an amazing lunch and even had the pleasure of meeting his sister, who was genuinely excited to see me. By the time he dropped me home late that night, a friendship had blossomed.

During that period, I was attending Citam Thika Road, but I struggled to find my place in the large congregation. Despite being involved in serving, I still felt like an outsider. On top of that, I had an unrequited crush on someone that didn’t end well, adding to my feelings of being unsettled. I was searching for a way out of this discomfort, and I confided in him about my struggles. He then extended an invitation to his church, Trinity Chapel Ruiru, and after attending a few mid-week services, I began to feel a sense of peace and belonging there. Our routine became leaving work and attending services together, followed by coffee hangouts as we intentionally built our friendship over a couple of months.

One weekend, I had travelled out of town to visit a friend, and he called, his voice heavy with something on his mind. Immediately, I prayed and asked God for guidance. Upon my return, we met for lunch, and after the usual catching up, he expressed that he needed to have a serious conversation. I sat up attentively as he opened up about his feelings for me and his desire to pursue a serious relationship leading to marriage. He also shared details about his past, including having a son while in college and the dynamics with his child’s mother. He made it clear that this was part of the package he came with and asked if I would be comfortable with it.

At that moment, I truly admired his honesty. I had instances in my life where I had also messed up and wasn’t proud of but God had redeemed me so who was I to not extend the grace. I took time to pray and fast about his request and not only did God give me immense peace about pursuing the relationship with him, He gave confirmations via several dreams. I’ll share two in brief. In one dream, I found myself driving in darkness, reaching a crossroad where I was unsure which path to take. He was there as my co-driver, guiding me to safety. In another dream, he was outside the church, engaged in conversation with the pastor who was preparing him to step into the pulpit to minister. I was there beside him, supporting and cheering him on.

After two years of serving God in my singleness and about a year of waiting, God was finally giving me a resounding YES so we officially started our courtship. By then we were attending the same church and same Ecclesia group (home fellowships) where we were fortunate to receive guidance and mentorship from several mature couples who held us accountable.

Fast forward, 6 months down the line, he officially introduced me to his family and an year into courting, we started the journey to the wedding. Our first priority was attending pre-marital counselling classes in church, which proved to be incredibly crucial in establishing the foundation for our marriage. These sessions covered a range of topics, including discussions on our personalities (we discovered we were total opposites ,lol), the reasons why we were choosing to get married, conflict management strategies, handling relationships with in-laws, the concept of submission, financial management within marriage, and the intimacy aspect. It was an intense and eye-opening 10 weeks of preparation, during which we delved deep into these subjects from a Godly perspective to ensure we were well-equipped for the journey ahead.

We had to learn and unlearn values we had grown up with, values we held dear but were not aligned to Christ and it was painful, growth is painful. We were both born again but intentionally courting was demanding because those inner struggles and battles that had not been fully addressed came to the surface. They had to be painfully dealt with. Turns out I wasn’t the perfect Christian I thought I was after two years of a serious singlehood season ?

To those on this journey of courting, this is my prayer for you:

I pray that the relationship will not excite you, drifting you away from God’s presence.

I pray that you will both choose to honor God with your relationship.

I pray that you will allow God to use your partner to refine the areas of your heart and life that still needs pruning.

I pray that you will not run away from His refining fire. That you will remain teachable and with a heart of flesh that is malleable.

I pray that you will not lose your identity in Christ, allowing the relationship to become your new identity.

And above all, I pray that you will keep your heart open to God and He will continue being your number one priority and the center of your relationship.

To wed or not:

Was it an easy journey? The answer to that is a resounding NO. We faced quite a number of hurdles and obstacles. We found ourselves asking, are we on the right path? Do we pursue this or not? Did we hear God right? Do we wed or not?….

 To be continued in part 3!

30^th May 2020 we stood in the presence of God and a few witnesses (Covid 19 wedding lol) and exchanged our wedding vows. I have been married for 3 years, 8 months and I am not a marriage expert but I can confidently say that marriage is a gift from God and it is a beautiful journey.

Growing:

Growing up I had two different versions of marriage, the good and the sad. My early childhood days painted a picture of a loving home, I had everything I needed, wanted and anything else in between. I was pretty much a daddy’s girl so life was full of our outdoor adventures and lots of pampering. All was rosy until my dad got retrenched and drowned himself in alcohol thus enter the sad version. Back then, the transition of my first love from who I knew, loved and deeply adored into this furiously raging tornado didn’t make sense to me. I was barely 9 years old when things came crumbling down and it was heart-breaking to say the least which consequently had a major ripple effect on me. It wasn’t until I accepted Christ as my savior and Lord of my life, as a 24 year old, that I was able to put the pieces back together and understand the story.

Dating:

Had I gotten married as an unbeliever, I would have made some terrible choices because I was carrying a lot of baggage from my childhood. I was deeply wounded and would have passed that brokenness to an innocent man, perhaps scarring him along the way, replicating a sad version to our offspring, ultimately spiraling it into a generational pattern of pain and brokenness.

Reflecting on my dating experience and the lessons I picked along the way, I wish I could say I had more positive experiences but truth be told, they were more of mistakes I made, negative experiences which ultimately molded me into who I am. If you don’t know what you stand for, you fall for anything and when you get in a relationship without your values then you naturally adapt to the person you are with, good or bad. This is perhaps the most fundamental lesson I gracefully learnt. I once got into a relationship just to please the person I was with and because I didn’t have set standards, I allowed the other person to set the boundaries and dictate the road we travelled. Well, that was a series of heartbreak. By the time I got out, I didn’t know who I was anymore and instead of taking time to figure out my mess, I plunged deep into another series of flings.

Perhaps if only I grew up with one version of marriage, the happy one, I would have chosen a different path. But then again I doubt I would have emerged as beautifully broken as I am now and I wouldn’t have scars to tell a tale of a loving Heavenly Father who redeems, restores and makes all things beautiful at His own time.

Waiting:

Accepting Christ and being born again was the hallmark of a beautiful love story of this girl, her heavenly father and the lover of her soul, Jesus Christ. A couple of months after I gave my life to Christ, I thought to myself, ‘well, we are done now. I mean, am here, where is the man you promised?’ I viewed God as the giver of good gifts and was completely blinded to the fact that I already had the best gift He could give me; the gift of life and life in abundance, the gift of an eternity with Him. I didn’t think I had to wait, to grow in my walk of faith, to discover who I was, to open up and heal from all the wounds and baggage I had from my past. I thought I had an automatic pass to a dream man. Truth be told if that man had come immediately, I would have been distracted from walking with God and ended up idolizing him then he would have stolen the glory of the restoration process from God.

Am glad that I found my identity in Christ and He became my defining compass. God is your creator and only He knows why He created you the way you are. He placed in each one of us a deep hollow that only He can fill up in an intimate relationship with us. It’s only wise to go back to Him for the revelation of your identity. So many times we try filling that void with people, pleasures, riches and wealth but it is all vanity.

I learned my singleness was not just a waiting season but a growing season and a learning season. A season of growing my intimacy with Christ, learning from the Master and replicating His life to others here on earth. A season of discovering my purpose and the mission God predestined for me, discovering my gifts and talents to use in His field to draw others to God. A season of embracing who I am in Christ and letting that truth radiate to the world like the light that I am.

I truly maximized that season, learning and unlearning, growing and nurturing as I blossomed into the woman God created me to be. I devoted myself to growing in my walk of faith, establishing a firm foundation by enrolling into several discipleship classes as I actively nurtured my personal relationship with Christ. I had to cut off all relationships that were not steering me towards growth and God brought new connections to walk with me and other younger people who I mentored as we all grew in Christ. I loved serving in church under the children’s ministry, pouring out my heart and love to those little ones because I knew not all were coming from happy homes and I could relate, I had learnt to see beyond the little smiles. It is while serving that God gave me my mission, He revealed the blue print of my purpose that I am called to raise up warriors. The transformation was truly amazing: only God can heal your pain and your wounds if you surrender yourself to Him.

My guiding scripture was Isaiah 61:1-3

I am truly glad I surrendered my life to Christ because that was the beginning of a beautiful transformation from a bruised broken reed to an oak of righteousness. To those on this journey of dating/waiting, this is my prayer for you:

I pray you will learn to trust God with all of your heart. Let Him guard your heart until He directs you to the one He will entrust it to.

I pray that you will let Him be your identity and the very core of who you are as He leads you to becoming who He created you to be.

I pray that you will be patient in your wait to avoid compromising or settling for less than what God ordained for you. I pray that you will not compare your journey with others, ending up envious or jealous because they seem to have what you don’t. We are all uniquely called by God and have different yet amazing journeys.

I pray that you will devote your waiting season to knowing your Master, serving and growing deep in Christ. I pray that as you do so, He will reveal to you your Mission and you will pursue purpose relentlessly because the greatest tragedy in life is not death but life without a reason. It is dangerous to be alive and not know why you were given life.

And above all I pray that you will not dwell in the place of your mistakes/failures or shortcomings but you will learn to surrender to Christ because messes in the hands of a Master are always turned into a beautiful masterpiece.

Courting:

After two whole years of being hidden away, the Lord impressed upon my heart that it was time for the next step and boy wasn’t I excited….

To be continued in part 2!

I came across this amazing blog https://www.waitinginheels.com while researching on counterfeit men (story for another day, lol) and as I was reading, it got me reflecting on my dating experience and the lessons I have picked along the way. I wish I could say I had more positive experiences to learn from but truth be told, these are more of the mistakes I made, negative experiences I had which ultimately have moulded me into who I am. Perhaps if someone had shared their experiences with me back then, I would have chosen different paths but then again I doubt I would have emerged as beautifully broken as I am now and I wouldn’t have scars to tell a tale of a loving Heavenly Father who redeems, restores and makes all things beautiful at His own time.

So here we go, to my dear younger me…

1. Looks (alone) don’t matter

I remember my first crush was dark& lovely, with long black hair, gorgeously big brown eyes and boy did he steal my heart. I was totally amused by how everyone thought he was cute and that he had chosen me over all the other girls in the class. Well at least I thought he had, turned out he had chosen three or four of us. Oh yea, and he once took two of us on a double date with his best friend without our knowledge of the conniving game he was playing. Yes, I was young and naïve. Gratefully the truth came out a few months after he broke up with me via text, claiming he didn’t want to hurt me because he was seeing other girls. Turned out I was number 6 on the list, probably because I believed (then) I would wait till marriage. It broke my heart for a few months and after lots of ice cream and girl talk therapy I picked up myself.

Now you’d think I had learned my lesson, right? But nope, still went ahead and dated a couple of guys purely based on their tall dark well-built abs and ended up compromising my standards and terribly breaking my heart.

Lesson learnt: Samuel 16:7 ^“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Looks alone don’t matter. Men can look like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. I have learnt to always ask God to reveal to me the heart of any man who approaches me because only He can guide me on what only He can see.

2. Date with a purpose

For a very long time, up until I gave my life to Christ, I only dated for fun, to pass time, kill the boredom and loneliness, fight the cold and enjoy dates & treats. I casually swayed in and out of relationships and wish I could say that all I got were a few scraps and grazes but that would be a lie. I ended up with a broken heart, broken esteem and messed up self-image.

Lesson learnt: Proverbs 4:23. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Treat what is valuable as valuable. Your heart is not a plate of pie that you easily give out to whoever wants a piece. Date when you are ready, when you are an asset, when you can add value to your partner and can walk together on a mission that brings glory to God.

3. Sex is a blind fold

I have friends who confess that they know the man they are dating is wrong for them but the sex is so good they don’t have the strength to leave. And I know exactly what they mean because once upon a time, that was me. Sex blinds you completely, you don’t see their flaws, the red flags, the guilt traps, the damage the toxic relationship is causing. All you thrive in is the intensity of the couple of minutes’ pleasure which leaves you high, dry and in need of that constant ecstasy so you go back for more and more…it becomes a chain of addictions.

Lesson learnt: 1^st Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies

I should honor God with my body and I should value myself as the temple of the most High, a precious priceless possession worth the sacrifice of Christ on the cross. And by offering my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, that is the true and proper worship. (Romans 12:1)

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

There is nothing wrong with sex, it is a beautiful gift from God. Matter of fact, it is a very powerful tool that is best used within a controlled vessel called marriage. If you let lose volumes of water, it floods and wreaks havoc. If the same volume is contained in a dam, it produces electricity enough to power a whole city. The power lies within the limits.

4. There is no rush

I don’t know why I felt the need of having a boyfriend when I was in my teens. Let’s blame it on the peer pressure, lol. But there was this burning urge/fear that I was missing out on dating so I said yes to the cute guy to ensure I had letters to show my girlfriends at tea breaks. Then after high school when all my friends had already shared their first kiss, I felt left out so once again I made sure I had something to share.

I don’t know why back then I couldn’t come up with something smart to share, other than kisses from boys, I don’t know, maybe like ten books you should read before you are twenty or ten lucrative careers to look out for.

Lesson learnt: Ecclesiastes 3;1-11 There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Don’t be deceived that there is ticking clock somewhere counting the seconds. It’s all in your mind. Be confident in following God’s time plan for your life.

5. Don’t compromise, know your worth and build your foundation

If you don’t know what you stand for then you fall for anything. If you get in a relationship without your values then you naturally adapt to the person you are with, good or bad. This is perhaps the most fundamental lesson I gracefully learnt. I can count the number of relationships I got into just to please the person I was with. And because I didn’t have set standards, I allowed the other person to set the boundaries and dictate the road we travelled. Well, that was the grand entry of heartbreak and damages. By the time I got out of that relationship, I didn’t know who I was anymore and instead of taking time to figure out my mess, I plunged deep into another series of flings. It was like I felt I needed to hit rock bottom to be jerked back to reality. And yep, it wasn’t a beautiful sight.

But thank God for His mercies and loving kindness. The God who provides for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendour. (Isaiah 61:3)

Lesson Learnt: Find your identity and let that become your defining compass. God is your creator and only He knows why He created you the way you are. He placed in each one of us a deep hollow that only He can fill up in an intimate relationship with us. It’s only wise to go back to Him for the revelation of your identity. So many times we try filling that void with people, pleasures, riches and wealth but it is all vanity.

6. Thrive in singleness

Once I gave my life to Christ I thought to myself, ‘well, we are done now. I mean, am here, I know myself, where is the man you promised? I viewed God as the giver of good gifts and was completely blinded to the fact that I already had the best gift He could give me; the gift of life and life in abundance, the gift of an eternity with Him. All I wanted was the blessings and not the one who bestowed the blessings. I didn’t think I had to wait, to grow in my walk of faith, to discover who I was, to open up and heal from all the wounds and baggage I had from my past. I thought I had an automatic pass to a dream man.

Truth be told if that man had come immediately, I would have been distracted from walking with God, I would hurt a good man because I myself was hurting from my past, I would idolize the man because he would take all the glory of the restoration process from God.

Lesson learnt; my singleness is not just a waiting season, it’s a growing season and a learning season. It’s a season of growing my intimacy with Christ, learning from the Master and replicating His life to others here on earth. It’s a season of discovering my purpose and the mission God predestined for me, discovering my gifts and talents that I can use in His field to draw others to God. It’s season of embracing who I am in Christ and letting that truth radiate to the world like the light that I am.

Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

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In retrospect, I am not my mistakes but I am better, wiser, stronger because of those mistakes. And messes in the hands of a Master are always turned into a beautiful masterpiece, as He promised in His word; Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

If you could write a letter to your younger self, what dating lessons would you share? How have the choices you’ve made helped or distracted you from your relationship with Christ?