Njeri Muthuya

A close friend and I were catching up on our lives the other day as we walked home from work. She was filling me in on her wedding preparations and the hectic schedule it demanded of her. As we approached her usual bus stop she jokingly lamented how she had been forced to switch bus stages in search of the quiet matatu because her body couldn’t stand the outrageously loud buses after a long hard day. As we laughed about it, I reminded her that we were growing old and valued a little peace and quietness more than our younger days.

She then turned to me with such a serious look and asked, “We are in our late twenties (yes, I revealed our age, lol) are you happy with the stage you’re in?” I must admit that question caught me off guard. I hadn’t thought about it and I didn’t have an immediate answer so I reverted the question back to her. She opened up and confessed that there were days she was frustrated at the pace she was moving. She had different expectations of what she would have achieved as she approached her thirties and most of which she hadn’t.

Her response caught me by surprise because in my opinion, she was doing quite well for herself. She had just launched her music career the previous year and it was picking up quite well. She was engaged to the love of her life and was planning a wedding in two months time. What could she possibly be complaining about? So I dug deep and prodded where those feelings were coming from. Turns out every time she compared herself to what her peers in the same industry were doing she fell short and it weighed her down heavily.

I turned to her and asked the one question that came to mind, “So where does God’s timing come in?” And at once she went silent and didn’t have an answer to that so she did what we do best, threw back the question at me (lol, such a payback). I opened up and told her what the Spirit put in my heart then.

That God’s timing is indeed always the best; He is never early or late and He always comes through at the right timing, the appointed time and in His own timing, He makes everything beautiful. (Ecclesiastes 3: 11). Things may not work out for us when we wanted and how we wanted but nothing we go through in this life is in vain. Every season, every stage, every challenge, every milestone…all these were meant for a purpose which we may not always know at the moment. But afterwards, God always reveals His plans and looking back; we can always join the dots and understand why it had to be the way it was.

There is a time for everything in life and while we have no control over the seasons we go through, it is our responsibility to enjoy every stage we go through. Failure to do so will result in us rushing through life to get to the next season that we forget to look around and enjoy the blessings we already have in our possessions. We will go through life looking at other peoples’ lives, envying what they have without considering that they too have a story to tell. That they didn’t wake up one day and magically find themselves where they were, it was a journey.

Our life is a journey. There are those seasons where we will mark time at one place for one reason or the other. Sometimes it will be because God wants to teach us perseverance which must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. (James 1:2-5). Sometimes it will be our own doing that will result in our stagnation. Like the children of Israel who were supposed to take an eleven day journey to the Promised Land but because of their complaints and constantly falling short of God’s laws, they ended up taking 40 years. (Deuteronomy 1:1-8).

Some areas in life we are stuck for so long because we fail to learn the lesson to catapult us ahead. But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. We have a loving kind God whose mercies are new every morning. If we humble ourselves, pray, seek His face and turn from our ways He promises that He’ll always hear us from heaven, will forgive our sins and heal us. (2 Chronicles 7: 14).

God redeems, God restores and promises that He will repay us for the years that the locust have eaten. (Joel 2: 24-26). So while we may have put ourselves in the desert for way too long, He’ll deliver us to our promised land eventually. It will definitely take time and it won’t be all easy but if we are going in the right direction, obedient to God’s will, we will move forward and not stay in the same mess for the rest of our lives.

Afterwards I looked at her and she had the biggest smile on her face and I could tell she was immensely relieved from all the worries she had on her mind. She laughed and said that though we didn’t attend our usual church evening fellowship, we had been ministered to right there on the streets. And as we parted, I couldn’t help but reflect on her words. Maybe for that evening, that was the fellowship God had planned for us, and we were meant to be right where we were, still in His timing.

The last two months have been a snowball of events and emotions for my family and I. If you read my last post, you’ll understand why. Losing my dad was one tragic blow for us. No one or nothing prepares you to lose your loved one. It just creeps stealthily and hits you in one big blow, you’re left to wonder if you’ll ever survive.

But God is super faithful. He knows that all we go through in life; we are well equipped to handle because He will never allow us to bear burdens we can’t manage (1st Corinthians 10:13). He may let us bend and if we break, He’ll fix us more beautifully and much stronger than we were before. He will never send us out to places His presence and Grace will not cover us.

I don’t know how else am standing strong if it were not for my King. I don’t know how else I get the strength to face each day without totally and utterly depending on my Savior. His word, that The Lord is my rock and fortress (Psalms 18:2) has strongly come alive in my life.

Looking back, all I see is a series of answered prayers and am more than grateful for the pain that has refined my pearls and taught me that God Alone.Only God can fill us wholly. People will try and give their best but if you place your expectations entirely on them, they fail miserably. Which is okay because they are only human. Man can not measure up to what God is. The nights I stayed up crying, afraid to reach out and over burden people, I leaned on God and presented my every whim, fuss and pain.

He never left, not even for a second. He was patient with me, listened to every heart break, watched every tear fall, held me gently in His arms. I stepped into a new level of intimacy with Him. He not only was my King; He became my closest friend. I could tell him anything and we would sit and talk for hours.

I remember there are days, as we were planning the burial, I would wake up so down and I would whisper to Him, I don’t want to deal with this day so please take over. Believe me those are the days everything ran smoothly; I didn’t have to lift a finger to push things. Things fell in place, people stepped in and processes were executed, all I had to do was turn up and watch it all become perfect. Made me realize that we struggle a lot in life only because we allow ourselves to. We want to keep pushing and fighting on our own strength, carry our heavy yokes and burdens then burn out completely. Yet all this time God is ever extending out His able hand to us, yearning for us to reach out and lean on his everlasting arms.

God alone. That’s all I needed. That’s all you need. Everything and everyone at some point in our lives fail but only God alone stands the test of time. And He’s not looking for perfect people to come to him. I was far from it, am still far from it. God works best with empty broken vessels; vessels that are not filled with pride, vanity, vessels that won’t compete to take the glory. Vessels that are in awe of how God still loves them despite their imperfections. Vessels that are willing to be used by the creator for a great and noble cause, all for the glory and honor of God’s name.

Are you willing to let go of the struggle? All you need is to whisper to God, open up your heart to him, He is a breath away, waiting for you to step into His arms. If He did it for me, He can do it for you. Just breathe in, breathe out and let God work & walk with you.

Love,

Beautifully broken.

Daddy, it is exactly two months since the day you left us. That gloomy day you took your final breath was the beginning of a dark era in my life because it felt like the light I looked up to was snuffed out.

I can’t imagine how you felt those last few minutes, all alone, fighting for your breath. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through your mind then. Did it scare you to know that you were struggling to stay alive against all odds? Did you wish time would rewind back to happier days? Did you wish we were there to hold your hand one last time? I dread imagining all these because if I do my heart, what is left of it, will shatter again into a million pieces.

Heartbreak is not a guy leaving you, how often we misuse that word. The real heartbreak is the pain of losing a loved one and knowing that you’ll never see them again in this earth, you’ll never hear their voice again, you’ll never feel their touch again; nothing will ever be the same again. It feels like a part of you dies with them. And no one prepares you for the fact that you’ll occasionally meet someone who looks like them, laughs like them, coughs like them and it will take you back to square one, your heart being ripped out apart all over again.

I think about you every single day dad, I miss you every moment I do and I cry myself to sleep every single night. Everyone keeps asking how am doing and I put a brave face and say fine but I can’t hide it from you. Both you and my Heavenly Daddy know how I really am, one beautiful mess. I now have two daddies in heaven, how cool is that. We are all trying to deal with it best we can, we really are.

Every day is different, everyone’s grief is different, everyone’s method is different. The only common factor in grief is that our God is always there for us and He never leaves us, no matter how alone we may feel. And if we ask Christ to step in and handle the situation, we even learn a few lessons in the midst of the storm.

Grief has taught me who my true friends are. They are some who dropped everything to come be with me when dad passed and for that I will always be grateful. There are some who raced out of my life faster than a blue Subaru and am still grateful that they taught me who they truly were. There are some who had walked away but they came back and stood strong by my side, like they had never left.

One particular friend shared a song that has kept me going on through the storm, My heart will trust by Darlene Zschech (thank you). I’ve learnt I don’t need to understand everything at once and I don’t need to be strong for days unending. That all I need is enough strength for today and that my Heavenly Father has tomorrow covered.

Daddy, losing you was the biggest blow life gave me but it was still the biggest breakthrough in my walk of faith. Before I struggled with letting go of the reigns of control in situations, I wanted to run the show. But your departure left me vulnerable and taught me to finally surrender totally to Christ, to be broken completely before Him and to trust him blindly every second am alive. So death didn’t rob me of my joy, it made my joy complete in Christ.

Daddy I will always love you and will always confess like I did to you all the time that you were the best dad ever. Rest in eternal peace till we meet again!

Though absent physically, you are always running in our minds and resting in our hearts.