Daddy, it is exactly two months since the day you left us. That gloomy day you took your final breath was the beginning of a dark era in my life because it felt like the light I looked up to was snuffed out.
I can’t imagine how you felt those last few minutes, all alone, fighting for your breath. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through your mind then. Did it scare you to know that you were struggling to stay alive against all odds? Did you wish time would rewind back to happier days? Did you wish we were there to hold your hand one last time? I dread imagining all these because if I do my heart, what is left of it, will shatter again into a million pieces.
Heartbreak is not a guy leaving you, how often we misuse that word. The real heartbreak is the pain of losing a loved one and knowing that you’ll never see them again in this earth, you’ll never hear their voice again, you’ll never feel their touch again; nothing will ever be the same again. It feels like a part of you dies with them. And no one prepares you for the fact that you’ll occasionally meet someone who looks like them, laughs like them, coughs like them and it will take you back to square one, your heart being ripped out apart all over again.
I think about you every single day dad, I miss you every moment I do and I cry myself to sleep every single night. Everyone keeps asking how am doing and I put a brave face and say fine but I can’t hide it from you. Both you and my Heavenly Daddy know how I really am, one beautiful mess. I now have two daddies in heaven, how cool is that. We are all trying to deal with it best we can, we really are.
Every day is different, everyone’s grief is different, everyone’s method is different. The only common factor in grief is that our God is always there for us and He never leaves us, no matter how alone we may feel. And if we ask Christ to step in and handle the situation, we even learn a few lessons in the midst of the storm.
Grief has taught me who my true friends are. They are some who dropped everything to come be with me when dad passed and for that I will always be grateful. There are some who raced out of my life faster than a blue Subaru and am still grateful that they taught me who they truly were. There are some who had walked away but they came back and stood strong by my side, like they had never left.
One particular friend shared a song that has kept me going on through the storm, My heart will trust by Darlene Zschech (thank you). I’ve learnt I don’t need to understand everything at once and I don’t need to be strong for days unending. That all I need is enough strength for today and that my Heavenly Father has tomorrow covered.
Daddy, losing you was the biggest blow life gave me but it was still the biggest breakthrough in my walk of faith. Before I struggled with letting go of the reigns of control in situations, I wanted to run the show. But your departure left me vulnerable and taught me to finally surrender totally to Christ, to be broken completely before Him and to trust him blindly every second am alive. So death didn’t rob me of my joy, it made my joy complete in Christ.
Daddy I will always love you and will always confess like I did to you all the time that you were the best dad ever. Rest in eternal peace till we meet again!
Though absent physically, you are always running in our minds and resting in our hearts.