When I got born again, I felt minute in a world of strong believers. I thought that I had to shrink in a corner, stay still and watch the rest conquer the world. I felt small in my knowledge of the word, smaller in my prayer life and smallest in my relationship with God. I knew about God but I was yet to know God. I felt lucky enough that He heard my cry of help, reached deep down in the pit of pitch darkness I was in and pulled me out. I wasn’t going to push it beyond that. I was grateful.
I thought I needed to grow just a little more before I could raise my voice in prayer. I thought I needed to read the bible just a little more before I could master what needed to be prayed. I thought I needed to get just a little more closer to God before He could hear me out. It never occurred to me that He was always there even when I was far deep into the world, that He heard me before when I was at my breaking point and that He saved me when I did not deserve His amazing grace.
So I would go to church, sit a few rows from the back, bow my head in silence, replay my sins over and over again, relive the dark moment when I almost gave up in life and how God stepped in right on time to swoop me out of the darkness. I would sob my heart out, weep both bitterly and in joy at how amazing Christ’s love was that He left His throne to come die for a sinner like me. Day in day out I sat and watched from the outside how the rest experienced God and whenever I desired that I quickly chided myself for wanting more than I deserved. Slowly I had relegated myself to a life of Christian mediocrity.
Then one night, in the midst of my wailing ritual, the Lord reached out to me, gently and ever so tenderly, and He said ,” Child, enough weeping.”. He whispered it so lightly but it swiftly lifted up the heavy burden I had carried. All along I thought I was strong enough to bear the burden but I was reminded of Matthew 11:28-30-that His yoke was easy, His burden was light and my soul would find rest. At once I felt His peace flood my heart and the weight of the entire burden melted away; I was free. Free to enter His gate, free to lift up my eyes to Him, free to open up my heart to Him and free to be His beloved child.
Now I couldn’t get enough of His word, enough of praying to him constantly and enough of the overwhelming love that embraced me. It did not matter how newly saved I was, I knew He heard me and He loved me just where I was. I learnt I wasn’t required to master the bible all at once, it was a journey of learning a verse at a time and memorizing it word by word. I learnt that God didn’t expect me to pray religiously with immense jargons, He just needed me to lay my heart bare and share what I felt, as I would with a friend. I learnt that I mattered to Him as much as the rest of the congregation did, after all, He was willing to leave the 99 sheep just to come looking for the one lost sheep.
It’s a beautiful journey of falling in love deeper every day and learning how to seek God and obey Him and live a life that pleases Him. The best part of it, I don’t walk alone, He is always by my side and on those days I’m too weak, He lovingly carries me in His arms. What more could I possibly desire in life?