Happy new Month, yaaaaay!! I am always excited about new beginnings, can’t explain the feeling, it’s a mixture of freshness, zeal and hope galore, more like having a new blank canvas and getting to paint your dreams out. Last month I encouraged us to look back on our lives, count our blessings and share our stories of how Christ helped us to overcome.
Today I get to share a story that moved me to tears, an amazing testimony of a soul I hold dear in my heart and life, a soul I’ve come to love and treasure for the beautiful blessing she is.
“Growing up, I had a very clear picture in my mind of how I wanted my life to be; go to school work hard, get good grades, join the university, get a good job, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have kids and live happily thereafter. I believe this was pretty much every little girl’s dream and what the society taught and expected of us. Being a pastor’s kid (PKs as we are mostly known as) I knew that there was no way I was supposed to divert from this but little did I know…..
In primary school I was doing pretty well. I had good grades and teachers would constantly refer to me when talking about working hard and being ambitious. Despite being the top girl in class and being given a leadership role, deep down I felt empty. My face was full of pimples (adolescence), I was that chubby girl in class and pretty much had low self-esteem. Other girls had these good relationships with the opposite sex and for me it was a constant struggle. I craved for attention like the other girls but it never came my way and if it did, it came from boys that I did not like.
When I joined high school, this was pretty much the case though this time round I was not a top student. During games and other extra-curricular activities, our then principal would encourage us to interact with boys from visiting schools and insisted that life wasn’t all about books and she was right. I still didn’t get the attention that other girls were getting and God knows as others got souvenirs I got none. I felt ugly, I felt disgusting and above all I felt unworthy. I was still the fat, ugly girl in class; that was how I perceived myself.
I was blessed to join campus and while there in my first year I met a guy who in my eyes was the most handsome guy in campus. He swept me off my feet and finally the ugly girl had a guy to call her boyfriend and for once in her life she felt beautiful. The relationship was great but deep down I still did not understand what this guy saw in me. I was still fat and viewed myself as being ugly. When the guy cheated on me a couple of times, I felt that it was my fault, that I was not good enough but still I held unto the relationship because I felt that no other guy would love me or even notice me. I gave, gave and gave some more to prove how worthy I was and despite all the signs that the relationship was heading south, in my desperation I still held on. Until that one fateful day the guy woke up and walked away never to look back or return and left me shattered.
In my quest to seek validation and to be loved, I looked for love in all the wrong places and made a whole lot of mistakes. The irony was I was still in church, I would still say that I was saved and was part of the worship team. Do you know those Sunday Morning Christians? That was me. Part of me wanted to have a deep relationship with God but still the other part of me wanted to be validated by the world. In my career, things were good, pretty good; I had a good job and a good salary that gave me a pretty modest lifestyle that I wanted at 25.
As I grew career wise, I knew that I wanted to be in a stable relationship so when I met this other guy I pointed out from the word go that I wanted a serious relationship. You know the thing with being spiritually blind and desperate as I may say, you are not able to distinguish fake from real. The guy said that was the same case with him and in my humane eyes I thought that God had finally brought the perfect guy in my life. Truthfully speaking, the guy had almost everything that I wanted from a guy but did not have the one thing that I was praying for in a guy; a deep relationship with God. Once again I compromised because he was the kind of guy that I thought I wanted and yet I again I gave , gave and gave some more, all because I fell for the guy and I still wanted to prove that I was that girl that he wanted .
Early into the relationship as fate would have it I got pregnant and no matter how shook I was, I knew that the right thing was to keep the baby. As it was end of the year I went to church as usual but this time round I prayed for God to give my baby and I the strength to face life as it would come and also that the baby daddy could be part of us. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to be the case as I carried the pregnancy to term alone. Thankfully, my bosses and colleagues were very supportive and above all my parents. With my dad being a Pastor, he embraced me whole heartedly (Bless you mum and Dad), my siblings and my ride or die girlfriend stood by me. However, the judgments that came with me being pregnant were many. But I wouldn’t judge those who judged me because to the world I was that Christian girl attending fellowships and one who was active in church. You cannot live a double standard life and expect God to be pleased with you.
In my quest for love and getting validation from the world, I was now a single mum. Was I ready? No. I almost sank into post-partum depression and I knew I was depressed when I once slapped my then two months baby out of frustration. This was my wakeup call coupled with a number of humiliating and degrading things that I was told by the father of my son. I can’t however blame him for that 100% because I had my own share of messiness. I could not comprehend how I would do such a thing as slap a baby but there and then I knew that I wanted to give it all to God and give myself to God now for real.
A year later, I took time to reflect and I realized that all my life I was seeking validation from the wrong places and all this while I never knew my true value. I sold myself short. I really did not understand what God meant when He said I was His child. A King’s daughter does not need to beg for anything. I did not know that God wanted more for my life. To the world I had a good job, a good life and now a healthy handsome boy but only God knew the kind of a wreck I was deep down. I was an empty as it could get.
Thank God for Grace. I learnt to forgive myself for all my foolishness and surrendered my whole being to God and slowly by slowly He put me back together. What a forgiving and loving God He is. By taking time to meditate upon His word, I have known my value in Him and realized that I do not need validation from anyone and I should serve Him with all sincerity.
I have gotten to a crazy point of self- love and ultimately slowly realizing my purpose in life and through God’s grace, trying to be an amazing mum to my now one year going to ten months handsome baby boy who this year won a national baby competition showing me that God is not yet done with us.
He is indeed a God of second chances. I am fully committed to Him now more than ever before. I still struggle with some stuff here and there, but with God, He makes the load easier. When you know your worth in God, you do not need anyone to tell it to you. We are what God says we are and when you know your value, the rest of the world will see it and respect that.”
Blessings and praying for all those struggling with low self-esteem,
Gracefully Broken.
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I hope her story inspires you to look within and discover whom you look up to for your identity, for your worth. Many at times we live looking down on ourselves because we feel the weight of our failures every time we fall short of the worldly standards.
If the world, broken as it is, becomes your mirror, then without a doubt you will always see shattered pieces of yourself and you’ll never be whole.
If Christ becomes your identity, then you’ll walk in the fullness of His grace, His love, His peace, His unconditional love. You will know the reason why you were created and the great plans He has in store for you. You will walk in your purpose and fulfill his good, perfect and pleasing will.
May prayer is you live a satisfying, fulfilling and infinitely blessed life through His eyes.
