2018 REFLECTIONS

33 days till the end of 2018…just thinking about that gives me chills down my spine. Indeed time flies and 2018 credits are almost about to roll up. I haven’t posted in a while and part of me wants to delve into how and why that’s been the case, lol, because who’s not good at coming up with excuses. Can’t say am not. So I won’t justify a thing. But I woke up this morning in a thankful and reflective spirit, excited that God has been super faithful and gracious to carry me through this far. Indeed if it was not for God, I wouldn’t be standing let alone breathing.

I can’t help but look back at my 2018 journey and part of me wants to secretly break down and cry because God has come through for me exceedingly, abundantly and above all I ever could think, ask or imagine. There are prayers I didn’t make but still He opened doors. There are prayers I made and He faithfully answered. There are prayers I’ve made and still am making and He hasn’t said No, He’s working out things I believe in my favour and for His glory so am patiently waiting in the hallway as I praise Him for His goodness.

If there’s a main lesson God has taught me this year, it’s knowing, believing, confessing and living in the confidence that God is still God at all times, good and bad, He still remains to be a good God. This isn’t one of the lessons you learn in class while sitted and smiling, heaven no, lol. I’ve had to learn this while sinking into low valleys, crawling in lonely deserts, burning out from the scorching sun, hitting rock bottom moments that leave you broken, bruised and hurting.

Those moments you have no else to turn to but God. Those moments you try praying but can’t make a sound, you can only whimper and cry, moments you try journaling but instead of ink, tears become your pen. And my biggest challenge was, would I still trust in God? Would I still cling onto Him? Would I still praise Him in the darkest of nights? Would I still sing that He is a good good Father? Would I still decree that He is good all the times and all the times He is good?

I have to be honest, I didn’t learn that lesson the first time He took me out of the class. I confidently flopped like a pro, lol. There’s no shame in admitting that at first I couldn’t fathom why God had to allow or watch my heart break and go through such pain. I doubted Him. I doubted my walk of faith. I couldn’t get myself to praise Him. I walked in bitterness. The funny bit was that was just the first test which was mildly a first grade level but still this girl failed.

All along the year, there are tests I aced and there are those I failed, which in my mind the latter seem to be the most, fortunately or unfortunately but am glad because out of the failures and mistakes were lessons to be cherished and experiences to grow and groom me. I can confidently say am not the girl I was at the beginning of the year. She’s blossoming bit by bit. I don’t look like the masterpiece I desire but as long as I keep walking with my Master, what won’t He do? He is faithful to complete the good work He began in me and am confident that all things will be beautiful in His timing.

God has taught me to walk in forgiveness by bringing back people in my life who we had fallen out so terribly in 2017. At first it was painful reliving the hurt and pain but it was necessary as a starting point for the healing process. It was hard getting to trust them and open up myself to them again. Initially it was a make believe walk, I was putting up behind a mask, making myself believe I didn’t have to do this intentionally but God sees through our hearts and the motives behind our actions. He saw through me and deeply convicted me that I was only lying to myself and hindering Him from working in me. I had to be vulnerable, had to let them in and let the façade slowly fade out. And true to His word God came through in ways I could never imagine, He not only brought healing and restoration, He answered a prayer I had been making for so long, a prayer that every lil girl dreams and prays about and am excited about this journey (who knew the blessing would come through my obedience.)

I had to learn to forgive and let go of some aspects so that God would lead me to new areas of faith. This called for some changes which initially were scary, just the thought of starting all over again made my heart skip some beats but looking back at the place I am currently, am glad I made the move. Moving churches was a decision I struggled with but it led me home, a place I had been searching for all along. The change brought in new people, new circles, and new levels of faith. It gave me a chance to start building my faith all over again, to be intentional about my walk by undertaking a discipleship class – Mizizi-plugging into your God give purpose. God had already being teaching me about opening up to people who can hold me accountable so I didn’t struggle with that. The journey has been beautiful, to say the least, bonding with my plug in team (amazing group), a fun but fruitful retreat. Completing the class and joining ministry has got to be the highlight of the season, that plus going for my first mission out of town (Positioned for impact) I can’t wait to see what 2019 has in store.

God taught me to leap out in faith, to pursue my passion and the calling that had been burning in me for so long, to step out from fear and walk in confidence, reminding me that the righteous are bold like lions. After struggling with it for a while, I was convicted and made my move and the blog was born, my walk of faith. I remember the fears I harbored, fear that I would have nothing to write, fear that I would fail and stop, fears that I wasn’t perfect enough and was still learning to trust and walk in faith, fears that I was broken and there was nothing to be learned. But God, who is like you on this earth, He completely, totally and still utterly continues to amaze me. The lesson I’ve learnt is if it comes from God, if He provides then He surely will fund it and sustain it. In all the fears and weaknesses I had, He shines His light and graces me with His strength. I have learned to surrender every part of me, broken or not and allow Him to tell the story and use it for His glory.

The journey hasn’t been perfect, there are days I haven’t written in ages, days I haven’t been intentional in my walk of faith, days I’ve neglected to tap to my source of strength resulting in my crumbling down. Those days when I thought of giving up, God would send people to remind me why I write, to share the testimonies of how God had spoken to them through the blog and how they were praying for me. I am blown away at how God works and how He connects people divinely. Special thanks to all the angels out there who have been standing by my side and encouraging me, pouring into me when I was running low, motivating me to still write.

2018 hasn’t been all smooth, it’s been ups and downs, mountains and valleys but am glad I didn’t have to walk alone. I’ve crushed and bounced back, I’ve pushed people away, people I cared about and who meant a lot to me but we are slowly reconciling back. I’ve depended on my strength, failed miserably and run back to God to lead me on. I’ve had my fair share of doubts if things were going to work out, watching people receive miracles am praying for but I’ve learnt to be patient and rest in God’s timing. I’ve failed to count my blessings and  ended up whining about what I didn’t have but my gratitude jar is now intentionally being filled up as I remind myself of how loved I am by God.

It’s been quite the ride, am learning, am growing, am blooming and evolving. My humble prayer is that as I continue this journey of faith, may I never forget where God has brought me from, may I never fail to be ever thankful for all the answered prayers and blessings He pours so graciously, may I never stop believing in God, believing in who He is in my life and who I am to Him. May I never stop confidently speaking to the dry bones in my life and the lives of those around me and those we’ll meet up with because the power of life and death is in my tongue. Above all, may I never stop walking in faith, walking in confidence for what I hope for and assurance for what I do not see.

All in all I thank God for everything He has done, everything He is doing and everything He is going to do. To God be the glory.