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Inspiration

Melting in gratitude

When I think upon Your goodness;
And Your faithfulness each day
I’m convinced it’s not because I am worthy
To receive the kind of love that You give
But I’m grateful for Your mercy,
And I’m grateful for Your grace…

As I write this, my heart is grateful. Not because of anything I have received or not received, not because of anything I have or don’t have, not because of who I am or who am not but simply because of who God is…and He is more than my words will ever tell and explain. I look back at our walk of faith, reminiscing the far He has brought me and am overwhelmed with tears of joy, my heart wants to literally break down and cry.

When I accepted Christ in my life three years ago, I didn’t have the faintest idea of what I was getting myself into. All I knew is I needed to escape the pain, the bitterness, the endless cycles of addictions, the anguish, lack of an identity, the hopeless helpless feeling of ever being lost and unloved. I knew I had struggled on my own to get my feet on the ground but the more I tried, the deeper the hole I got myself into. The more I tried to cover up what was brewing underneath the smiles, the make up and the bubbliness, the more broken I felt and became inside until I couldn’t put up with it anymore.. I crashed.

Looking back am so grateful I broke down in the hands of a loving Savior who didn’t have anything less but unconditional love to give and more grace and mercy to cover me. The moment you surrender yourself to Christ, I promise you something inside changes at once. Yes, you won’t break free from all your struggles instantly because salvation doesn’t work like Nescafe, instant coffee, lol, but I promise you something changes. It changes because His presence, His spirit comes and dwells in you and in His presence there is fullness of joy.

You’ll feel free from the burdens that used to weigh your heart down, you’ll be at peace within because the Prince of Peace now lives in you. You’ll no longer be condemned by the enemy because the righteousness of Christ covers and speaks for you. I know this because I speak from my experience of that priceless night I invited Him in my life. That night I went home happy and at peace. Nothing had changed on the outside but I had encountered Christ and I was a different girl on the inside.

The journey from that night was simply amazing because I never was alone again, God always walked by my side, holding my hand, together working out my salvation, bringing me to victories over battles I had fought my entire life, covering me in grace whenever I fell  short of His glory, cheering me on when I made baby steps. The beauty of it all was Him teaching me who I was in Him, revealing little by little my identity in Christ and that was so liberating for me. Knowing I no longer had to subscribe to what people thought of me, what the enemy whispered in my ear, what I had grown up believing based on my circumstances and false beliefs. Freedom is knowing you are royalty, your dad is a King and you are an heir to the throne when you’ve been living like a pauper all your life. And I promise you no games in this throne,lol.

Three years ago if someone told me I’d be living my best life, serving God and serving little ones, writing about my walk of faith, I would have smiled and walked away shaking my head like the Thomas I was. I’ve come to believe with all of my mind, heart, body and soul that when God calls us, He already has everything figured out, He already has provided and funded the journey, He already has set destiny helpers along the way…. all He needs from us is to simply trust and obey that He knows the way and He’s leading us home. What this means is some days we won’t always have answers to where the paths lead but His word will always be a lamp to our feet and a light to our paths.

That’s another beauty I’ve come to truly appreciate in Christ.. the freedom of no longer having to worry about what tomorrow holds, anxious about how things will turn out. He is on the wheel, mine is just to listen to His instruction and walk His will, share my fears and worries when they crop up, because to be honest they do crop up, but not allowing those feelings to hold me captive, rather taking those thoughts captive and obedient to Jesus Christ.

How do I know all these? Because every time I’ve trusted and followed God’s leading along a certain path, He has proved to be super faithful and His promises have been fulfilled. When I got saved God placed in my heart the desire to write and share my faith and for a while I kept pushing it aside and settled for journaling in my diary. The more time passed the more the desire grew and kept burning in me until I settled for creating a WordPress blog which I would write posts and never share with a single soul 🤣

In my mind I figured out I was obeying technically,lol..I did this for one and a half years and looking back I believe God was teaching me the art of discipline, commitment, obedience, testing me to see whether I would still serve Him even if no one was watching. Early last year He called me out and said it was time to upgrade and fully go into the writing ministry and share with the world and thus mywalkoffaith.co.ke was born. This has been one amazing and exciting journey of becoming and blossoming as I continue to grow intimate with Christ. One year down the line and my mind is totally blown away by how God is indeed super faithful. The feedback, the testimonies and stories of how God touched people’s lives through the blog is all God’s doing.

Just to show me that He Is God and can do anything and everything exceedingly abundantly and above my thoughts, the blog got nominated for BAKE (Bloggers Association of Kenya) 2019 awards . What can’t God do? As Christians we are not called to seek the approval of men but this nomination already feels like a small win for me and am truly grateful to God who makes all things possible.

P.S Please head over to https://vote.bakeawards.co.ke/ scroll down to Category 18 Religious or Spirituality Blog, vote for option B- mywalkoffaith.co.ke

I can’t tell what the next three years of my life will be, where He will lead me but am really excited because I know it will be a blast. Am learning to trust and obey. Is it easy? Not at first but gradually as God molds us into the image of Christ, it becomes a lifestyle, through the power of His Holy Spirit. I can’t promise you that your journey will be as mine but it will be worthwhile in the eyes of Christ, it will be beautiful, it will be fulfilling and it will be victorious. Taste and see that indeed He is good. In the meantime, am melting in gratitude.

Imela Papa!!

Inspiration

Embracing The Process

I began my 2019 on an incredibly high note, high hopes and high expectations of how I had envisioned my year would be. I had clear cut desires in my relationships, my workplace, my area of calling, my visions and my dreams but at the core of it my greatest desire was to have God at the centre of my life and for Him to be completely glorified in my life . Little did I know that what I was praying for wasn’t a one day ‘hi, bam, bye’ kinda thing

I asked God to grow and it started to rain…

Am certain for a fact that everyone who has gone through the journey of transformation can attest that it doesn’t come easy, there’s always a price to pay. It costs you. The price may range for different people who are on different journeys but the ultimate fact is a price has to be paid. Most times it’s painful to grow and change. Most times we are faced with the great fear of the unknown, the fear of the ‘what ifs’, the fear of the looming failure. But the end result for every journey has been a beautiful breath taking masterpiece for all who were courageous enough to face the change.

The Bible has tonnes of examples of such courageous men and women who stepped into uncharted waters to meet their destinies and fulfill their purposes.

Abraham, our father of faith, chose to sacrifice leaving his comfort zone, his family, his familiar to step into unknown lands that he didn’t have a single clue about. All he had was tremendous faith in God who had promised to lead him. I can imagine how painful a process that was, how his family may have rebelled against his decision but he stood firm in his unwavering faith and made the move.

Noah had to withstand the mockery of the people as he labored and built the ark, knowing very well that there had never been any rain but still he trusted the word of God.

Jacob had to run away from his home and go live with his uncle Laban, toiling for 20 years as a servant and shepherd of his flocks, working under the scorching sun and unbearable weather conditions but still gave his all, putting his full trust in God.

Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers, worked for years as a slave and a prisoner but all the time never complaining neither did he abandon his faith in God.

David was anointed to be the king of Israel at a such a tender age but it took him years of pain, suffering, death attempts and a runaway life hiding from Saul but he still held on to His God.

We possibly can’t exhaust the list of these amazing experiences that the children of God had to endure in their walk of faith. Even Christ Himself had to drink from the bitter cup of death, be stripped and beaten, be cursed and forsaken by His father in order to fulfill His will on earth.

The process is never that easy and I can now attest to that gladly because 2019 has been so for me and if I had to find a word to describe it, I’d settle for buried because that’s how it felt . A seed that really wanted to grow and the only way for that to happen was to be put in the ground, covered in soil and left in the dark. It’s been a season of being stretched beyond the limits I thought I could, a season of being still and allowing God to work out all things, a season of learning patience, not just as a word that’s thrown around the Christian vocabulary but as virtue and a fruit of the Holy spirit. It’s literally taking the hand of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit to get through.

There are promises God gave years before which I thought would be fulfilled by this time but lo and behold. I’ve prayed with people and had to watch them receive their blessings while I was still waiting on mine, with a smile. I’ve watched people make milestones in their lives, milestones I so would have loved to make, milestones am praying to make but aren’t forthcoming. I’ve watched people receive miracles am praying for and through it all, God is teaching me the grace of being truly happy for everyone despite my circumstances. Lord knows too well this is a struggle He and I have had for long, only thing was I had become very good at masking it from people, the struggle of dealing with envy and jealousy when people get what you want, lol… But God made it very clear that the level I desired to grow into couldn’t withstand this trait so I had to learn.

This has taken the focus from myself and has rooted it completely on God and what He is doing in the lives of people, not just my own. He’s taught me to celebrate people and their unique journey, taught me to count all blessings and not just keep on asking and the most important lesson is that He’s teaching me to genuinely love people, masks aside, because how else will I be happy for them if I don’t?

It has been a myriad of lessons of being molded and melted in the fire to have all my impurities highlighted and by the grace of God removed. All those little foxes are slowly being tamed then eliminated one by one. That little slack in the personal devotions, that fear of opening up to people and fully giving myself to service, fellowships and relationships, that laziness that creeps at work occasionally and I complain about things not going my way and work half-heartedly as if am working for men and not God, those inconsistencies covered up in procrastination which really is an excuse I’ve perfected for not doing the things I very well know I should do (don’t even ask me about the slack in blogging)

Would I trade this experience? No. Not at all, because I can already start seeing the fruits of the process, because am becoming a better person, because am learning, growing and stretching as well as being strengthened. It’s not in vain. And the beauty of it all, aside from working and walking hand in hand with God, is that He is faithful enough to bring destiny helpers along the way who hold your hand too and make the journey easier. God has brought my way mentors to guide me in the areas and levels am desiring to get to. It’s like literally watching people you aspire to be when you grow up making it a journey of faith and hope, that if God did it for them, what can’t He do for me?

So yes it’s painful, it’s uncomfortable, it’s fearful but totally fruitful and worth it. Like all the great men in the Bible whose sacrifices paid up and paid up good, am encouraged that this too shall be used to glorify God in the end and will pay up.

Are you going through a phase where God seems to be silent? A season where things are not moving in your life? An overwhelming feeling of you are not where you should be, that prayers are not being heard let alone being answered? A moment where you are being challenged out of your comfort zone? Where God is calling you out?

Well it’s going to take crazy faith.. like John Waller sang: Crazy faith

O God did I hear You?
You really want me to
Walk up to that mountain
Tell it just to move
This is crazy, yeah
But her face in that picture
I said that’s our daughter
But we can’t swim this ocean
But You’re telling us to move
This is crazy, yeah

Lord, this scares me, yeah
But it’s gonna take crazy faith
So what if it costs (me) everything
I’m stepping out
I’m taking the leap of crazy faith
Crazy faith

This house and all my dreams
You are asking me to leave
And take my wife and children
Where we never thought we’d go
This is crazy, yeah
Lord, I never thought we’d go
And it scares me, yeah

But it’s gonna take crazy faith
So what if it costs (me) everything
I’m stepping out
I’m taking the leap of crazy faith

Here I go
Wherever You may lead I’ll go
lead me, Lord, I’ll follow, follow You

But it’s gonna take crazy faith
So what if it costs (me) everything
I’m stepping out
I’m taking the leap of crazy faith
Crazy faith

I know it’s not easy getting to the point of doubting God’s will in your life, watching miracles pass you by, battling uncertainty, doubts, fears and anxiety, sometimes possibly slipping into depression. I’ve been there…Keep walking, put your trust in God who has a good, perfect and pleasing will for you, He will never forsake you. God will never send you out where His grace has not gone ahead of you. He will straighten the path ahead. He’ll send His spirit to guide you and walk with you. He’ll send helpers along the way. In the end, both you and Him will walk into your victory because you are a conqueror in Him. So don’t quit, don’t give up yet, hold on to His faithfulness and smile through the process.

Sending a prayer for every soldier in the battlefield. ♥️♥️

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back. But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.”

Hebrews 10:35-39

Inspiration Motivation

Blooming and Becoming: advise to an 18 year old!

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending our first ladies fellowship in 2019 at my home church, Trinity Chapel Ruiru dubbed “New Beginnings”. It was truly a blessing to be in the presence of God and women who are yielded to Christ, witnessing the Holy Spirit move in our midst, stirring up our spirits and souls, bringing a wave of restoration from all the baggage we so heavily carry in our hearts. It is always refreshing being in the presence of like-minded spirits who are intentional about pursuing Christ relentlessly from all ages, the teenagers to the gracefully aged ladies. When we walk alone we walk fast but when we walk with others we get far… That’s the core lesson I’ve picked in my walk of faith, the power of accountability in fellowships.

I recall one question that really got me thinking: If you could go back to being 18 again, what would you do differently? Well first of all, I so wish that was practical because I’d literally run back and do things totally differently, lol… But since I can’t, I can only look back in wisdom and share insights that could help a different 18 year old.

  1. Finding Yourself:

It’s never that serious: the peer pressure as they try to influence you that you’re missing out on some phase or that if you don’t do something you’ll not be cool… that’s never serious. F. O. M. O. (Fear of Missing Out) only exists in the minds of those who don’t know where they are in life and what they want to achieve. I know at 18 you are transitioning from a child into adulthood, trying to figure out life on your terms and fighting your way to independence which is totally understandable. At this stage in life you are yet to truly understand who you are or where you want to be but be 100% sure about who you are not and where you will not step into. Be sure about things you’ll not do, places and spaces you’ll not find yourself in.

You may not yet figure out your fashion sense but be firm that you’ll not compromise on decency while blindly chasing the latest fashion styles.

You may not yet figure out things you love or your hobbies but be firm that you’ll not compromise on your integrity trying to fit in with cliques that you can out rightly tell are doing the wrong things.

You may not yet figure out who you want to be in life but be firm on who you’ll not be, you’ll not be a laughing example to others, you’ll not let others be the ones who learn from your mistakes, you’ll not be caught up pursuing things that don’t add value to your life.

It’s okay to not know where you’re heading to but please be firm on where you’ll not end up at. Like they say, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll end up falling for anything.

  1. Finding Friendships:

Once you’ve figured out where you’ll not want to end up at, it becomes so easy picking and forming friendships because you know what you’re looking for. You’ll not end up being the one who always compromises to fit in circles that you didn’t belong to from the very first start. You’ll not fall into peer pressure and end up doing the wrong things because you have firm principles that you’re standing on. You’ll not pick friends who are walking in the opposite direction from where you desire to be.

You’ll be more intentional in choosing a circle that adds value and pushes you in the right direction; friends who share the same values as you, friends who have a positive outlook on life. Some will have figured out where they want to be in life and this will be great because they’ll hold your hand and guide you in finding your path. But even if they won’t have figured it out, you’ll get a chance to be on a discovery journey and form lifelong friendships that will define a big part of your life.

Don’t force friendships. Some will last a season, some will last a lifetime. Be wise enough to know the difference and have the courage to walk away when the time is right. Some friendships are worth fighting for and others are not…when it drains your peace, when it’s toxic for you, when it’s no longer adding value, when it’s one way, when you are both growing apart and not in the same journey, have the courage to find yourself in a different space. Accept that people will walk away from you and most times it will have lil to do with you but with their season in your life. While at it, ensure you enjoy your friendships to the fullest, give your all, be the best support to them while you can so that when time is up, you don’t walk away feeling regrets, feeling doubts that you are to blame, that you could have done better.

  1. Finding Love.

You’re too young to be thinking about love right now, lol… but I understand you’re on the journey of self-discovery and at some point you’ll find yourself liking someone of the opposite sex, some you’ll crush hard on, some will be infatuations to last a minute and some won’t easily fade away. It’s normal. Do yourself a big favour, don’t get into this space if you’ve not figured out your standards and your values.

The biggest risk would be falling for someone without understanding yourself then sadly end up compromising everything to please them. You neglect yourself and pour out your heart and soul to someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Heartbreak is a love unrequited. Don’t be in a rush to find love, take time to know who they are, build on friendship, discover their likes, dislikes, hobbies, secrets. Find out all you can about them, at least what they are willing to share. Then you can figure out if you’re on the same page of life or not.

I’ll be very honest, most relationships that start out in teenage years rarely make it past the age of 25. Why? Because at 18 you’re both young, naive in matters of life, you’re still grappling around trying to understand yourselves. You’re in the journey of becoming. Once you get to 25, you’ve changed, they’ve changed and thus high chances of falling out because they are not the person you thought they were, well neither are you. And it’s not because you are the wrong person, neither are they… It’s simply because you both discover you’re in different paths of life and can’t walk together again.

Find yourself before you find the other person. Become the person the one you’re looking for is searching for.

  1. Family:

At 18 am sure you feel that your parents are always opposing you and know nothing about what you’re going through. Biggest lie of all times. Your family is the only support that is true and unconditional. They tell you as it. They love you as you are. They accept you with all you have. Don’t be in a rush to grow up and move out. Have a teachable spirit, learn from their lives, and enjoy bonding with them because they are the best at helping you discover yourself in the safest space void of discrimination or judgements.

Deliberately spend time with your folks, get to know them and build on a genuine friendship with them, they just want the best for you. Make your family your friends and I assure you that’s the best emotional investment of all times. One day when you’re older and in need, you’ll have them to lean on for support and it won’t be awkward because home will always be your familiar place. Enjoy playing with your nephews and nieces, delightfully help out your young siblings, and support your parents by being a good obedient child. Family time is always the best time.

  1. Finding God:

Lastly but most important of all, find God for yourself, get to know Him, not just knowing about Him. Pursue an intimate relationship and a true connection with Christ. Not because your parents demand your presence in church every Sunday, not because your church has a cool teenage program where you can hang out with your buddies. Pursue Him because you genuinely want to experience Him. Am pretty sure you’ve grown up with some sort of connection spiritually but nothing brings exceeding joy and satisfaction than nurturing that relationship yourself. And the best part about knowing and growing in Christ is that everything outside Him fits and falls perfectly in place.

A relationship with God will lead you on a journey of self-discovery, you’ll get to know your worth, your identity rooted in how God sees you and you’ll blossom into the individual you were created to be. You’ll discover your gifts and talents early enough, you’ll learn how to love unconditionally because you’ll have tasted first hand true love from God who is LOVE himself. He will teach you how to better relate with others, how to be kind, compassionate, merciful, understanding, how to see people how He sees them.

Your best life will begin once you start living it in Christ. I am a living testimony, no regrets but the one thing I would change if I was 18 again was this, to pursue God with all of my heart. I know it doesn’t mean that my life would have being perfect or smooth, but there would be a huge difference and comfort sailing in storms with God than drowning out in the dark alone.

*****************************

In a nutshell, to the 18 year olds out there, you are young and free. Live authentically. Be boldly unashamed of who you are. Never stop learning. Never stop evolving into your best version. Want more and become more. You live once so while at it, make the journey worthwhile and leave the best legacy in your space.

Lots of love,

From a gracefully aged, once upon a time naïve 18 year old.

 

 

Inspiration Motivation

To New Beginnings…

It’s the second week of 2019 and I must confess am still secretly excited about the New Year. Am one of those peeps who’ll still say a hello with a ‘Happy New Year’…yes, don’t judge. For me this feels like a clean slate where all my 2018 shortcomings and failures have been wiped clean and I get a do-over. It’s like being handed a blank canvas and I get to write my story and create a beautiful master piece.

Severally I’ve sat and stared at the canvas wondering what I want my 2019 story to be. There are many bits and pieces of what I want but am utterly clueless on how the story line will flow. I have goals, desires, dreams, wish lists etc. but I don’t control my destiny, my Creator does.

“Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word. Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; God probes for what is good. Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.” Proverbs 16:1-3 MSG

As I was meditating about my goals and successes I needed to achieve this year, the Spirit was keen on reminding me key lessons from the above scriptures;

  1. The What:

What  goals do I want to achieve in 2019?

Lord knows I have a whole list written down detailing all spheres of life (Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual, Financial, Social, Physical and Career) and the specific goals I have in mind and at heart lol.

I love writing down my vision and game plan because it puts my mind in focus and helps align all my thoughts, words and actions towards that direction. It sort of becomes my compass to guide me and walk intentionally throughout the year. For me writing it down becomes an act of faith that am trusting God with all these dreams and am putting it down because I know He is faithful to bring it to fruition. Nothing scares Him and nothing is off limits to Him, He is limitless and the God of all impossibilities.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans”

  1. The Why:

Why do I want to achieve those goals?

God is very intentional about the motives behind our plans, the ‘why we do what we do’. As I list my goals, am very sensitive in asking the Spirit to reveal to me my heart and the motives behind wanting to achieve these successes. At times we want things for very selfish reasons and I must confess am a victim of this. We want material wealth so we can slay, look good and appear successful to the world; we put ourselves first on the list.

Am not saying wanting wealth for ourselves is bad because we have our needs as humans but if that’s all we will do with it, if our blessings will not bless other people, make a difference in the lives of people around us, then what makes us believe that God will give us in excess? “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10

This is clearly highlighted in James 4:3 “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures”

My prayer is that I set my goals, my heart and motives will be aligned to God’s will and my mind-set will shift to being Eternity driven and Kingdom focused.

  1. The How:

How do I intend to achieve those goals?

We make our plans but God always has the final say because He orders our steps. It’s fruitless to start anything without asking God what His direction and purpose is. That can be likened to walking around blindfolded helplessly groping in the dark for direction yet we can ask for help and guidance from God. He promised to give us a helper and He kept His word. We have the Holy Spirit to be our guide, our teacher, our counsellor, our comforter and our all in this journey. What I love most, about the Holy Spirit, among many other things, is that He is such a gentleman, He will not force Himself on us. He patiently waits for us to invite Him in our lives, in our hearts, in our daily walk.

I don’t intend to do anything this year without the Spirit guiding me and my prayer is that I will not place anything or anyone above God. It’s His way, His will. God of all or nothing at all.

Am totally clueless on how the future will be but who’s worried about that? Not me, lol. God doesn’t ask us to know the way, He just asks that we trust that He already knows and He’s the one leading us. I don’t want to get so caught up in the destination that I miss out on what God will do along the journey. God is literally the ONLY THING am sure of and am intentional about allowing Him to guide my every step so am confident that am exactly where I need to be. With every day I know am inching closer to my destination and most importantly closer to Him.

This morning I received a great insight on Genesis 6-8 from a friend who is walking with me in the journey of reading the entire bible in one year. He said” God asked Noah to build the ark. He gave him the plan, the resources, brought in the animals and shut them in. All Noah had to do was obey and walk in faith.” This hit home hard, many are the times God calls us to do something big and we cower in fear, our carnal mind trying to figure out how to do. We forget that if God calls you to something, He funds it 100% and provides everything we need. All that is required from us is trusting and obeying.

In 2019, may we not burden ourselves with the worries of how to do it but may we boldly walk with confidence in God knowing that all things are working for our good..

Happy New Year beloveds and cheers to new beginnings!

Inspiration

Give Thanks in all Things..

Yesterday I went to bed totally elated and excited because God had done something so amazing, I was over the moon. It wasn’t some big miracle, lol… It was a lil reward for simply obeying to His prompting but I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I was in a matatu heading home after a long hard day both at work & class and all I wanted to do was catch up on social media. Which was what I was doing up until the bus was full and we started heading out of town. That’s when the Spirit gently nudged, “Please put your phone away, we don’t want to make someone else rich.” I automatically smiled because He got my attention because let’s be honest, hehe…whose senses don’t heighten when money is mentioned?

So I promptly put my phone away and sat upright. In less than 6 minutes we had a slam on the side of the matatu and before I could turn the lady seated behind me screamed so loudly. Her phone had just been snatched from her hands and  there was nothing she could do about it but sit there and cry. I was perplexed to say the least. In my mind all I was thinking was, “Darn, that could have been me, that could have been me, that could have been me.”

I was rattled on the outside, feeling terrible for the lady but deep inside I was breaking out in praise because God had snatched me and my phone away from the snatcher.. Lol. That’s how He made my night and I went to bed feeling so loved and protected even in the little matters.️️

I would be lying if I told you that that’s how our relationship always is, all rosy and lovey dovey, like nothing ever goes wrong.

I woke up this morning and like the imperfect human I am, I forgot all about His doing the previous night. I think it must be the hormones and all, lol, let’s put the blame there. But the minute I stepped out of the house and realized it was raining I got so furious with God. I was ridiculously mad because who does that, who allows the heavens to open up and have a major downpour in the morning when His children are going to work? Doesn’t He care about their health or how they’ll manoeuvre to work? Especially those who were not driving and depended on public transport. I was seething and burning with rage.

I didn’t want to listen to what the Spirit had to say at that particular point. I walked in the rain venting out all frustrations on Him, complaining that He didn’t care about me and if I got to work drenched or late. I got to the stage and there was no bus or matatu which fueled my lil tantrum more because I was forced to take a motorbike to the highway to get a ride.

By the time I was sitted in the matatu I was fussy and wanted a time out:

God: Baby girl…

Me: I don’t feel like talking right now.

God: Talk to me child. .

Me: No. I don’t want to. We are on time out.

God: What did I… What’s the issue?

Me: Am so pissed, am drenched, am cold, am late. As in why let it rain in the morning? Why not at night? Are you punishing me for snoozing my alarm? Maybe if I left the house earlier I wouldn’t get rained on. I thought you loved me. I don’t feel loved right now. I feel…

God: Young lady watch your tongue. I maybe Papa but don’t forget who I am in entirety.

Me: Now I feel scolded and hurt. I thought you said I could come to you and be real and raw and open up, no faking or putting up shows.

God: Yes you can baby girl and I want you to be vulnerable and broken before me but don’t cross lines child. I am still your God.

Me: I don’t feel like talking anymore. Am sorry…

At this point am feeling all sorts of emotions, hurt and guilty…hurt because am still on tantrum riot but more so guilty because He has a point and I have crossed lines. I hate hurting Him but for now am too proud to say am sorry so I look away. I grab my phone, start scrolling through Facebook and I can feel the Spirit watching me, waiting for us to have this conversation and iron it out but am trying hard to ignore His conviction.

As am scrolling I come across my favourite writer, John Piper, Desiring God. It’s an article titled suffering can save your prayer life   https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/put-in-the-fire-for-the-sake-of-prayer/excerpts/suffering-can-save-your-prayer-life

At once I smile to myself because He knows how to get my attention, lol. At this point I feel He’s smiling back to me, probably thinking, “gotcha lil lady, can’t run away from me for long”.  I read through the article and am deeply convicted I want to break down and cry because the lesson from the article is God puts us in the fire to awaken earnest prayers. As I shared in 2018 Reflections God had been teaching me to trust in Him at all times, good or bad. So for today, I had failed the test, lol but it really never is failure if we learn the lesson.

God is good at all times, times when He’s my protector, saving my phone from thieves and bad times when He opens the heavens and allows me to get rained on.. He still is a good God. Am actually glad it rained and I got fussy because I learned a big lesson: God rescues us from the flames of hell then puts us into refining flames so we can seek Him diligently and learn how to submit ourselves to Him.

Am not fussy anymore, you can’t really be mad for long at a God who knows you intimately, doesn’t get mad at your imperfections, who accepts you just as you are, flaws and all and above all, a Saviour who would willingly die on the cross all over again just for you.

I learn, I fail, He still patiently takes me back to class for the lesson again knowing that I will pass because am His child and learn from the best. I am loved, what more could I want.

Love and blessings.

 

Inspiration Motivation

2018 REFLECTIONS

33 days till the end of 2018…just thinking about that gives me chills down my spine. Indeed time flies and 2018 credits are almost about to roll up. I haven’t posted in a while and part of me wants to delve into how and why that’s been the case, lol, because who’s not good at coming up with excuses. Can’t say am not. So I won’t justify a thing. But I woke up this morning in a thankful and reflective spirit, excited that God has been super faithful and gracious to carry me through this far. Indeed if it was not for God, I wouldn’t be standing let alone breathing.

I can’t help but look back at my 2018 journey and part of me wants to secretly break down and cry because God has come through for me exceedingly, abundantly and above all I ever could think, ask or imagine. There are prayers I didn’t make but still He opened doors. There are prayers I made and He faithfully answered. There are prayers I’ve made and still am making and He hasn’t said No, He’s working out things I believe in my favour and for His glory so am patiently waiting in the hallway as I praise Him for His goodness.

If there’s a main lesson God has taught me this year, it’s knowing, believing, confessing and living in the confidence that God is still God at all times, good and bad, He still remains to be a good God. This isn’t one of the lessons you learn in class while sitted and smiling, heaven no, lol. I’ve had to learn this while sinking into low valleys, crawling in lonely deserts, burning out from the scorching sun, hitting rock bottom moments that leave you broken, bruised and hurting.

Those moments you have no else to turn to but God. Those moments you try praying but can’t make a sound, you can only whimper and cry, moments you try journaling but instead of ink, tears become your pen. And my biggest challenge was, would I still trust in God? Would I still cling onto Him? Would I still praise Him in the darkest of nights? Would I still sing that He is a good good Father? Would I still decree that He is good all the times and all the times He is good?

I have to be honest, I didn’t learn that lesson the first time He took me out of the class. I confidently flopped like a pro, lol. There’s no shame in admitting that at first I couldn’t fathom why God had to allow or watch my heart break and go through such pain. I doubted Him. I doubted my walk of faith. I couldn’t get myself to praise Him. I walked in bitterness. The funny bit was that was just the first test which was mildly a first grade level but still this girl failed.

All along the year, there are tests I aced and there are those I failed, which in my mind the latter seem to be the most, fortunately or unfortunately but am glad because out of the failures and mistakes were lessons to be cherished and experiences to grow and groom me. I can confidently say am not the girl I was at the beginning of the year. She’s blossoming bit by bit. I don’t look like the masterpiece I desire but as long as I keep walking with my Master, what won’t He do? He is faithful to complete the good work He began in me and am confident that all things will be beautiful in His timing.

God has taught me to walk in forgiveness by bringing back people in my life who we had fallen out so terribly in 2017. At first it was painful reliving the hurt and pain but it was necessary as a starting point for the healing process. It was hard getting to trust them and open up myself to them again. Initially it was a make believe walk, I was putting up behind a mask, making myself believe I didn’t have to do this intentionally but God sees through our hearts and the motives behind our actions. He saw through me and deeply convicted me that I was only lying to myself and hindering Him from working in me. I had to be vulnerable, had to let them in and let the façade slowly fade out. And true to His word God came through in ways I could never imagine, He not only brought healing and restoration, He answered a prayer I had been making for so long, a prayer that every lil girl dreams and prays about and am excited about this journey (who knew the blessing would come through my obedience.)

I had to learn to forgive and let go of some aspects so that God would lead me to new areas of faith. This called for some changes which initially were scary, just the thought of starting all over again made my heart skip some beats but looking back at the place I am currently, am glad I made the move. Moving churches was a decision I struggled with but it led me home, a place I had been searching for all along. The change brought in new people, new circles, and new levels of faith. It gave me a chance to start building my faith all over again, to be intentional about my walk by undertaking a discipleship class – Mizizi-plugging into your God give purpose. God had already being teaching me about opening up to people who can hold me accountable so I didn’t struggle with that. The journey has been beautiful, to say the least, bonding with my plug in team (amazing group), a fun but fruitful retreat. Completing the class and joining ministry has got to be the highlight of the season, that plus going for my first mission out of town (Positioned for impact) I can’t wait to see what 2019 has in store.

God taught me to leap out in faith, to pursue my passion and the calling that had been burning in me for so long, to step out from fear and walk in confidence, reminding me that the righteous are bold like lions. After struggling with it for a while, I was convicted and made my move and the blog was born, my walk of faith. I remember the fears I harbored, fear that I would have nothing to write, fear that I would fail and stop, fears that I wasn’t perfect enough and was still learning to trust and walk in faith, fears that I was broken and there was nothing to be learned. But God, who is like you on this earth, He completely, totally and still utterly continues to amaze me. The lesson I’ve learnt is if it comes from God, if He provides then He surely will fund it and sustain it. In all the fears and weaknesses I had, He shines His light and graces me with His strength. I have learned to surrender every part of me, broken or not and allow Him to tell the story and use it for His glory.

The journey hasn’t been perfect, there are days I haven’t written in ages, days I haven’t been intentional in my walk of faith, days I’ve neglected to tap to my source of strength resulting in my crumbling down. Those days when I thought of giving up, God would send people to remind me why I write, to share the testimonies of how God had spoken to them through the blog and how they were praying for me. I am blown away at how God works and how He connects people divinely. Special thanks to all the angels out there who have been standing by my side and encouraging me, pouring into me when I was running low, motivating me to still write.

2018 hasn’t been all smooth, it’s been ups and downs, mountains and valleys but am glad I didn’t have to walk alone. I’ve crushed and bounced back, I’ve pushed people away, people I cared about and who meant a lot to me but we are slowly reconciling back. I’ve depended on my strength, failed miserably and run back to God to lead me on. I’ve had my fair share of doubts if things were going to work out, watching people receive miracles am praying for but I’ve learnt to be patient and rest in God’s timing. I’ve failed to count my blessings and  ended up whining about what I didn’t have but my gratitude jar is now intentionally being filled up as I remind myself of how loved I am by God.

It’s been quite the ride, am learning, am growing, am blooming and evolving. My humble prayer is that as I continue this journey of faith, may I never forget where God has brought me from, may I never fail to be ever thankful for all the answered prayers and blessings He pours so graciously, may I never stop believing in God, believing in who He is in my life and who I am to Him. May I never stop confidently speaking to the dry bones in my life and the lives of those around me and those we’ll meet up with because the power of life and death is in my tongue. Above all, may I never stop walking in faith, walking in confidence for what I hope for and assurance for what I do not see.

All in all I thank God for everything He has done, everything He is doing and everything He is going to do. To God be the glory.