All Posts By

Njeri Muthuya

Inspiration Motivation

To New Beginnings…

It’s the second week of 2019 and I must confess am still secretly excited about the New Year. Am one of those peeps who’ll still say a hello with a ‘Happy New Year’…yes, don’t judge. For me this feels like a clean slate where all my 2018 shortcomings and failures have been wiped clean and I get a do-over. It’s like being handed a blank canvas and I get to write my story and create a beautiful master piece.

Severally I’ve sat and stared at the canvas wondering what I want my 2019 story to be. There are many bits and pieces of what I want but am utterly clueless on how the story line will flow. I have goals, desires, dreams, wish lists etc. but I don’t control my destiny, my Creator does.

“Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word. Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; God probes for what is good. Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.” Proverbs 16:1-3 MSG

As I was meditating about my goals and successes I needed to achieve this year, the Spirit was keen on reminding me key lessons from the above scriptures;

  1. The What:

What  goals do I want to achieve in 2019?

Lord knows I have a whole list written down detailing all spheres of life (Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual, Financial, Social, Physical and Career) and the specific goals I have in mind and at heart lol.

I love writing down my vision and game plan because it puts my mind in focus and helps align all my thoughts, words and actions towards that direction. It sort of becomes my compass to guide me and walk intentionally throughout the year. For me writing it down becomes an act of faith that am trusting God with all these dreams and am putting it down because I know He is faithful to bring it to fruition. Nothing scares Him and nothing is off limits to Him, He is limitless and the God of all impossibilities.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans”

  1. The Why:

Why do I want to achieve those goals?

God is very intentional about the motives behind our plans, the ‘why we do what we do’. As I list my goals, am very sensitive in asking the Spirit to reveal to me my heart and the motives behind wanting to achieve these successes. At times we want things for very selfish reasons and I must confess am a victim of this. We want material wealth so we can slay, look good and appear successful to the world; we put ourselves first on the list.

Am not saying wanting wealth for ourselves is bad because we have our needs as humans but if that’s all we will do with it, if our blessings will not bless other people, make a difference in the lives of people around us, then what makes us believe that God will give us in excess? “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10

This is clearly highlighted in James 4:3 “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures”

My prayer is that I set my goals, my heart and motives will be aligned to God’s will and my mind-set will shift to being Eternity driven and Kingdom focused.

  1. The How:

How do I intend to achieve those goals?

We make our plans but God always has the final say because He orders our steps. It’s fruitless to start anything without asking God what His direction and purpose is. That can be likened to walking around blindfolded helplessly groping in the dark for direction yet we can ask for help and guidance from God. He promised to give us a helper and He kept His word. We have the Holy Spirit to be our guide, our teacher, our counsellor, our comforter and our all in this journey. What I love most, about the Holy Spirit, among many other things, is that He is such a gentleman, He will not force Himself on us. He patiently waits for us to invite Him in our lives, in our hearts, in our daily walk.

I don’t intend to do anything this year without the Spirit guiding me and my prayer is that I will not place anything or anyone above God. It’s His way, His will. God of all or nothing at all.

Am totally clueless on how the future will be but who’s worried about that? Not me, lol. God doesn’t ask us to know the way, He just asks that we trust that He already knows and He’s the one leading us. I don’t want to get so caught up in the destination that I miss out on what God will do along the journey. God is literally the ONLY THING am sure of and am intentional about allowing Him to guide my every step so am confident that am exactly where I need to be. With every day I know am inching closer to my destination and most importantly closer to Him.

This morning I received a great insight on Genesis 6-8 from a friend who is walking with me in the journey of reading the entire bible in one year. He said” God asked Noah to build the ark. He gave him the plan, the resources, brought in the animals and shut them in. All Noah had to do was obey and walk in faith.” This hit home hard, many are the times God calls us to do something big and we cower in fear, our carnal mind trying to figure out how to do. We forget that if God calls you to something, He funds it 100% and provides everything we need. All that is required from us is trusting and obeying.

In 2019, may we not burden ourselves with the worries of how to do it but may we boldly walk with confidence in God knowing that all things are working for our good..

Happy New Year beloveds and cheers to new beginnings!

Conversations with Daddy

Dear Daddy….

Daddy….

2018 has been real, lol. We have had our ups and downs but through it all, You’ve carried me gracefully till the end. I am amazed at Your faithfulness and Your unconditional love. Now I believe that nothing can separate me from Your love, not my flaws, not my fears, not my doubts, not my shortcomings, not my failures or my stubbornness, not my ingratitude. Absolutely nothing. I must admit it’s a beautiful place to be, a place I am unafraid of You and our relationship, a perfect place to be; there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1st John 4:18.

I no longer have to hide or run away from You when I fail or fall because I know You’ll  pick me up when I confess, because I fully believe that You are faithful and just, that You will forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I no longer have to be ashamed or feel condemned because am in You and there is therefore now no condemnation.

I have had time to reflect on this year 2018 reflections and there are infinite blessings You’ve showered on me. Some I didn’t even expect but oh well, what catches You by surprise, right, lol …indeed Your thoughts are way higher than mine. I want this prayer to be about the things I’d like You to do for me in 2019, a part of me really wants to give You a list, and that’s me been honest with You. A list full of desires I have, wants and wishes, at the risk of sounding selfish because it’s all about me.

One thing I’ve come to learn and believe as we journey together in our walk of faith is that even before I ask, You already know what I need. You are working things, all things together for my good ,You are intentional and ultimately Your plans for me are good, are perfect and pleasing. It has taken us some fighting to get to this place, times I wanted to snatch the reign of control away from You, times I stomped out and rebelled out of Your way and will but am at peace and glad we have come to this place where I have grown to trust in You with the unknown.

I am not worried about 2019. I know it will work out exactly the way You have purposed it to but I must confess am having a lil concern. No its not You, it possibly can’t be You, lol, I know You are faithful to keep Your end of the deal. It’s me. Am afraid my heart is not at the right place, am afraid am not yet broken completely before You. I know there are bigger plans and bigger goals You are lining up for me but am afraid that when You open those doors, will I still be faithful to You? When You answer those prayers I’ve secretly said all these years, will I still keep You in the picture? When You give me bigger platforms to stand on, will I still give You back all the glory or will my head swell a little in pride? Will my life still be an audience of one, You and me, or will I seek to please people and conform to the world? Will I still seek You with all of my heart? Will I still worship You in truth and spirit?

Let’s be honest, it’s easy to walk with You when I have nothing, but when You give me everything, will I still place You at the centre and confess that You are my all? These thoughts and questions scare me Daddy. I don’t want to ever be separated from You and I don’t know if I should be having these thoughts in the first place, I just want to be vulnerable with You.

I know Your word says that You are able to keep me from falling, and to present me faultless before the presence of Your glory with exceeding joy Jude 24 and I also know that You are faithful to complete the good work You have began in me. But my sincere prayer for 2019 is that Daddy please work on my heart. I don’t want to live for me but for You. I don’t want to take any credit for what happens in my life, I don’t want people to look at me and see me, I want them to see You. I want all the glory to go back to You. I want none of me and all of You. I don’t want to make a single move without Your approval. I don’t want to step out without asking You how You feel or what You have to say about that move.

Nothing expresses what am feeling more beautifully than this song, You Covered me by Dr. R. A. Vernon

I don’t wanna sing the latest song,

I don’t want to percolate the crowd,

I just wanna make You smile,

I don’t care who thinks I’m right or wrong,

I don’t care who tries to calm me down,

I just wanna praise You now.

 

You covered me in the midst of it all,

You love me, gave me another chance,

You saw my needs when others saw my faults,

You forgave me.

 

I don’t have to listen for my name,

They don’t have to walk me down the aisle,

I just wanna make You proud,

Should I make the hall of fame,

Or they save a special seat,

I just hope that You’ll be pleased.

 

So in my life, in my life be glorified,

(Be glorified, be glorified)

So in my life, in my life,

(Be glorified, be glorified)

 

You get the glory,

You get the praise,

You take the honor,

I just want to say ,

Thank You Jesus.

Thank You Lord,

For everything You will do,

For Your grace and Your mercy thank You Jesus,

I have a grateful heart and I’m saying thank You.

 

This song breaks me into tears and it’s my utmost prayer. When all is said and done, may it be said of me that I loved You more than anything and I spent my life walking with You and letting others see Your love and light through me.

May I always be submitted to your will.

May I never forget am the clay and You are the potter, You decide how I turn out to be.

May I not be distracted by the things of the world, by life’s worries, pleasures and riches such that the word I have hidden in my heart is choked up.

May I never stop seeking you,

May I never stop growing in you.

May I never glorify anything or anyone above you.

If that’s all I get for 2019, I have everything I need because I’ll have You.

Lord thank You for everything You have done, everything You are doing and everything You are going to do. In the name of Jesus I pray with much love and thanksgiving….

Amen.

Inspiration

Give Thanks in all Things..

Yesterday I went to bed totally elated and excited because God had done something so amazing, I was over the moon. It wasn’t some big miracle, lol… It was a lil reward for simply obeying to His prompting but I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I was in a matatu heading home after a long hard day both at work & class and all I wanted to do was catch up on social media. Which was what I was doing up until the bus was full and we started heading out of town. That’s when the Spirit gently nudged, “Please put your phone away, we don’t want to make someone else rich.” I automatically smiled because He got my attention because let’s be honest, hehe…whose senses don’t heighten when money is mentioned?

So I promptly put my phone away and sat upright. In less than 6 minutes we had a slam on the side of the matatu and before I could turn the lady seated behind me screamed so loudly. Her phone had just been snatched from her hands and  there was nothing she could do about it but sit there and cry. I was perplexed to say the least. In my mind all I was thinking was, “Darn, that could have been me, that could have been me, that could have been me.”

I was rattled on the outside, feeling terrible for the lady but deep inside I was breaking out in praise because God had snatched me and my phone away from the snatcher.. Lol. That’s how He made my night and I went to bed feeling so loved and protected even in the little matters.️️

I would be lying if I told you that that’s how our relationship always is, all rosy and lovey dovey, like nothing ever goes wrong.

I woke up this morning and like the imperfect human I am, I forgot all about His doing the previous night. I think it must be the hormones and all, lol, let’s put the blame there. But the minute I stepped out of the house and realized it was raining I got so furious with God. I was ridiculously mad because who does that, who allows the heavens to open up and have a major downpour in the morning when His children are going to work? Doesn’t He care about their health or how they’ll manoeuvre to work? Especially those who were not driving and depended on public transport. I was seething and burning with rage.

I didn’t want to listen to what the Spirit had to say at that particular point. I walked in the rain venting out all frustrations on Him, complaining that He didn’t care about me and if I got to work drenched or late. I got to the stage and there was no bus or matatu which fueled my lil tantrum more because I was forced to take a motorbike to the highway to get a ride.

By the time I was sitted in the matatu I was fussy and wanted a time out:

God: Baby girl…

Me: I don’t feel like talking right now.

God: Talk to me child. .

Me: No. I don’t want to. We are on time out.

God: What did I… What’s the issue?

Me: Am so pissed, am drenched, am cold, am late. As in why let it rain in the morning? Why not at night? Are you punishing me for snoozing my alarm? Maybe if I left the house earlier I wouldn’t get rained on. I thought you loved me. I don’t feel loved right now. I feel…

God: Young lady watch your tongue. I maybe Papa but don’t forget who I am in entirety.

Me: Now I feel scolded and hurt. I thought you said I could come to you and be real and raw and open up, no faking or putting up shows.

God: Yes you can baby girl and I want you to be vulnerable and broken before me but don’t cross lines child. I am still your God.

Me: I don’t feel like talking anymore. Am sorry…

At this point am feeling all sorts of emotions, hurt and guilty…hurt because am still on tantrum riot but more so guilty because He has a point and I have crossed lines. I hate hurting Him but for now am too proud to say am sorry so I look away. I grab my phone, start scrolling through Facebook and I can feel the Spirit watching me, waiting for us to have this conversation and iron it out but am trying hard to ignore His conviction.

As am scrolling I come across my favourite writer, John Piper, Desiring God. It’s an article titled suffering can save your prayer life   https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/put-in-the-fire-for-the-sake-of-prayer/excerpts/suffering-can-save-your-prayer-life

At once I smile to myself because He knows how to get my attention, lol. At this point I feel He’s smiling back to me, probably thinking, “gotcha lil lady, can’t run away from me for long”.  I read through the article and am deeply convicted I want to break down and cry because the lesson from the article is God puts us in the fire to awaken earnest prayers. As I shared in 2018 Reflections God had been teaching me to trust in Him at all times, good or bad. So for today, I had failed the test, lol but it really never is failure if we learn the lesson.

God is good at all times, times when He’s my protector, saving my phone from thieves and bad times when He opens the heavens and allows me to get rained on.. He still is a good God. Am actually glad it rained and I got fussy because I learned a big lesson: God rescues us from the flames of hell then puts us into refining flames so we can seek Him diligently and learn how to submit ourselves to Him.

Am not fussy anymore, you can’t really be mad for long at a God who knows you intimately, doesn’t get mad at your imperfections, who accepts you just as you are, flaws and all and above all, a Saviour who would willingly die on the cross all over again just for you.

I learn, I fail, He still patiently takes me back to class for the lesson again knowing that I will pass because am His child and learn from the best. I am loved, what more could I want.

Love and blessings.

 

Inspiration Motivation

2018 REFLECTIONS

33 days till the end of 2018…just thinking about that gives me chills down my spine. Indeed time flies and 2018 credits are almost about to roll up. I haven’t posted in a while and part of me wants to delve into how and why that’s been the case, lol, because who’s not good at coming up with excuses. Can’t say am not. So I won’t justify a thing. But I woke up this morning in a thankful and reflective spirit, excited that God has been super faithful and gracious to carry me through this far. Indeed if it was not for God, I wouldn’t be standing let alone breathing.

I can’t help but look back at my 2018 journey and part of me wants to secretly break down and cry because God has come through for me exceedingly, abundantly and above all I ever could think, ask or imagine. There are prayers I didn’t make but still He opened doors. There are prayers I made and He faithfully answered. There are prayers I’ve made and still am making and He hasn’t said No, He’s working out things I believe in my favour and for His glory so am patiently waiting in the hallway as I praise Him for His goodness.

If there’s a main lesson God has taught me this year, it’s knowing, believing, confessing and living in the confidence that God is still God at all times, good and bad, He still remains to be a good God. This isn’t one of the lessons you learn in class while sitted and smiling, heaven no, lol. I’ve had to learn this while sinking into low valleys, crawling in lonely deserts, burning out from the scorching sun, hitting rock bottom moments that leave you broken, bruised and hurting.

Those moments you have no else to turn to but God. Those moments you try praying but can’t make a sound, you can only whimper and cry, moments you try journaling but instead of ink, tears become your pen. And my biggest challenge was, would I still trust in God? Would I still cling onto Him? Would I still praise Him in the darkest of nights? Would I still sing that He is a good good Father? Would I still decree that He is good all the times and all the times He is good?

I have to be honest, I didn’t learn that lesson the first time He took me out of the class. I confidently flopped like a pro, lol. There’s no shame in admitting that at first I couldn’t fathom why God had to allow or watch my heart break and go through such pain. I doubted Him. I doubted my walk of faith. I couldn’t get myself to praise Him. I walked in bitterness. The funny bit was that was just the first test which was mildly a first grade level but still this girl failed.

All along the year, there are tests I aced and there are those I failed, which in my mind the latter seem to be the most, fortunately or unfortunately but am glad because out of the failures and mistakes were lessons to be cherished and experiences to grow and groom me. I can confidently say am not the girl I was at the beginning of the year. She’s blossoming bit by bit. I don’t look like the masterpiece I desire but as long as I keep walking with my Master, what won’t He do? He is faithful to complete the good work He began in me and am confident that all things will be beautiful in His timing.

God has taught me to walk in forgiveness by bringing back people in my life who we had fallen out so terribly in 2017. At first it was painful reliving the hurt and pain but it was necessary as a starting point for the healing process. It was hard getting to trust them and open up myself to them again. Initially it was a make believe walk, I was putting up behind a mask, making myself believe I didn’t have to do this intentionally but God sees through our hearts and the motives behind our actions. He saw through me and deeply convicted me that I was only lying to myself and hindering Him from working in me. I had to be vulnerable, had to let them in and let the façade slowly fade out. And true to His word God came through in ways I could never imagine, He not only brought healing and restoration, He answered a prayer I had been making for so long, a prayer that every lil girl dreams and prays about and am excited about this journey (who knew the blessing would come through my obedience.)

I had to learn to forgive and let go of some aspects so that God would lead me to new areas of faith. This called for some changes which initially were scary, just the thought of starting all over again made my heart skip some beats but looking back at the place I am currently, am glad I made the move. Moving churches was a decision I struggled with but it led me home, a place I had been searching for all along. The change brought in new people, new circles, and new levels of faith. It gave me a chance to start building my faith all over again, to be intentional about my walk by undertaking a discipleship class – Mizizi-plugging into your God give purpose. God had already being teaching me about opening up to people who can hold me accountable so I didn’t struggle with that. The journey has been beautiful, to say the least, bonding with my plug in team (amazing group), a fun but fruitful retreat. Completing the class and joining ministry has got to be the highlight of the season, that plus going for my first mission out of town (Positioned for impact) I can’t wait to see what 2019 has in store.

God taught me to leap out in faith, to pursue my passion and the calling that had been burning in me for so long, to step out from fear and walk in confidence, reminding me that the righteous are bold like lions. After struggling with it for a while, I was convicted and made my move and the blog was born, my walk of faith. I remember the fears I harbored, fear that I would have nothing to write, fear that I would fail and stop, fears that I wasn’t perfect enough and was still learning to trust and walk in faith, fears that I was broken and there was nothing to be learned. But God, who is like you on this earth, He completely, totally and still utterly continues to amaze me. The lesson I’ve learnt is if it comes from God, if He provides then He surely will fund it and sustain it. In all the fears and weaknesses I had, He shines His light and graces me with His strength. I have learned to surrender every part of me, broken or not and allow Him to tell the story and use it for His glory.

The journey hasn’t been perfect, there are days I haven’t written in ages, days I haven’t been intentional in my walk of faith, days I’ve neglected to tap to my source of strength resulting in my crumbling down. Those days when I thought of giving up, God would send people to remind me why I write, to share the testimonies of how God had spoken to them through the blog and how they were praying for me. I am blown away at how God works and how He connects people divinely. Special thanks to all the angels out there who have been standing by my side and encouraging me, pouring into me when I was running low, motivating me to still write.

2018 hasn’t been all smooth, it’s been ups and downs, mountains and valleys but am glad I didn’t have to walk alone. I’ve crushed and bounced back, I’ve pushed people away, people I cared about and who meant a lot to me but we are slowly reconciling back. I’ve depended on my strength, failed miserably and run back to God to lead me on. I’ve had my fair share of doubts if things were going to work out, watching people receive miracles am praying for but I’ve learnt to be patient and rest in God’s timing. I’ve failed to count my blessings and  ended up whining about what I didn’t have but my gratitude jar is now intentionally being filled up as I remind myself of how loved I am by God.

It’s been quite the ride, am learning, am growing, am blooming and evolving. My humble prayer is that as I continue this journey of faith, may I never forget where God has brought me from, may I never fail to be ever thankful for all the answered prayers and blessings He pours so graciously, may I never stop believing in God, believing in who He is in my life and who I am to Him. May I never stop confidently speaking to the dry bones in my life and the lives of those around me and those we’ll meet up with because the power of life and death is in my tongue. Above all, may I never stop walking in faith, walking in confidence for what I hope for and assurance for what I do not see.

All in all I thank God for everything He has done, everything He is doing and everything He is going to do. To God be the glory.

Inspiration

BLESSINGS IN BROKENESS!

“God will break you to position you,
Break you to promote you,
And break you to put you in your right place,
But when He breaks you He doesn’t hurt you, He doesn’t,
When He breaks you He doesn’t destroy you, He does it with; grace”

Song; Gracefully Broken by Tasha Cobbs

I’ve been meditating on the state of being broken (Healing and Grace) and I was prompted to read 2nd Kings 7:3-20. This passage tells a beautiful story of redemption. A story about four lepers, disregarded by society as failures but in the end, turned out to be used as vessels to save a dying nation.

For those who won’t get to read the scripture here is how the story goes, in my words, lol.

Once upon a time, back then in those days lepers were forbidden from living together with society because of their condition which people feared was infectious. So they were thrown out of the city and lived separately in their own circle. At that time, the city was under attack by the Arameans. I don’t know but this doesn’t sound like a scary name to me. Like if I was indoors on a lazy Saturday morning and got a call from a strange number claiming to be the Arameans I wouldn’t be perturbed. But that’s just me. The Israelites were completely surrounded and put under siege to such a point that none of them could enter or leave the gates. With time the city’s food supplies continually dwindled as there was no replenishment available. This ultimately led to a famine that was so tragic, women resulted to feeding on their children.

The lepers who lived outside the gates were not spared either and they too shared in the predicament but what I like about these four guys is their brave resilient spirit. Since they were already dying of hunger outside the gates they thought to themselves, ‘oh well, what’s the harm in going over to the enemies’ camp to ask for food. Chances are they’ll kill us or we’ll die out here. Either way, we’ll still die. Shouldn’t we make an attempt nonetheless?’

Leper 1: Am starved (wailing out loudly)

Leper 2: I know dude, me too. I could use a nice plate of hot juicy ribs dipped in…

Leper 3: Oh please stop it that’s not helping much you know (grumpily)

Leper 1: Spare us… a man can dream. If we can’t feed our stomachs we might as well feed our dreams. Right bro? (turns and expectantly looks at Leper 4 waiting for his support)

Leper 4. Not today dudes. Am saving my energy, am too weak to indulge in silly banters.

Leper 3: Oh really, so what would you rather do, enhe? Crawl to the enemies camp and beg for a morsel (retorts snidely)

Leper 2: Why can’t we do that?

Leper 1: I beg your pardon. Slowly repeat those words.

Leper 4: Haha..y’all a bunch of cowards. I bet none of you has the guts to face fear right in the face. I bet you’d rather we die here in misery..

Leper 2: Yes, than die in pain, butchered mercilessly by the Arameans.

Leper 3: Because death by starvation is less painful than a sword..

Leper 4: Yea right, chickens, lol. See you on the other side of life.

And he began to slowly crawl over to the other side of his fear, determined to take chances in his own hands.

Leper 1: Wait a minute.. Dude is actually doing it. Look at him.

Leper 2: Damn. That’s bravery right there I tell you. I always knew he had something in him.

Leper 3: Wish I had guts like his

Leper 4: (mockingly) Hehe.. You still have a little left of yours. Why don’t you follow me before they fall off.

Leper 3: Dude I heard that. Am so coming for you. And he begins to crawl towards his direction.

Leper 1&2: Not again you two. Let’s go stop this fight. Y’all have to fight,huh, can’t wait for the enemy to kill you, you’d rather stab each other, lol.. See our lives.

********

With nothing left to give, the four lepers cautiously made their way over to the Arameans camp. I love how God turned the situation around to their favour. Truly when God says He fights for us, indeed He does. Would you believe that our almighty, the most high God caused confusion in the enemies camp. He made them think that the Israelites were coming to attack them and caused such panic.

“At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, no one was there, for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.”2 Kings 7:5-7

The whole camp fled away in such a frenzy that they left everything behind, all their gold, silver and possessions, all their foods and supplies. They left everything, they didn’t carry even a dime. You can imagine the utter surprise and excitement the four lepers had once they arrived at the scene. I bet at first they thought it was a trap but because of their faith, because they stepped out of their comfort zone and what they thought was their dying place, God used them to fight for His children and give victory to a war they didn’t have to fight.

Like every starving person would have done, the four lepers ate to their fill, gathered as much food and possessions as they possibly could. But unlike most of us, they were filled with compassion and decided not to hoard the supplies to themselves yet a whole city was starving to death. So they sent word out and that’s how salvation came through the least expected channels, people who were once rejected and despised.

The End

I love how the Bible is full of stories about men and women whose labels were far from perfect but were still chosen by God to bring glory and honor to His name. I love how God calls the most ordinary people, those who are broken, those who are unqualified, and those who are undeserving to carry out His will. Because to God all that matters is that He qualifies us. Period.

It’s not about what you have done, neither is it about what you can do, it’s always about having a teachable spirit and a heart fully and truly surrendered to Christ. If this was not the case, some of us wouldn’t even stand before the world. Oh the beauty of being hidden in Christ because no one can stand up to condemn you or your past. Oh the beauty of our flaws, our weaknesses, our imperfections because God uses them to magnify Himself.

Just because we are fighting battles in some areas of our lives, it doesn’t make us less of Christians. To the world, weaknesses maybe an Achilles heel but to us who are saved, who believe in Jesus Christ, it is a platform for God to display His perfect strength through us.

As Paul clearly puts it in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, my grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.(Mssg version)

Lessons I picked from the story:

  1. I am not my imperfections and I shouldn’t let the world label me. Only Christ has the authority to define my worth.
  2. My imperfections are perfect in the hands of Christ because in His own timing He makes all things beautiful.
  3. Christ delights in using me just as I am for His glory. He doesn’t need me to clean up first before I approach Him. Once I am surrendered to Him, He takes up from there.
  4. I need to be careful of my circle. At times we stay in our cocoons because our friends are afraid to break free into victory. Have a circle that is unashamedly and relentlessly pursuing growth, grace and greatness.
  5. Don’t treat the world as it treats you. Be kinder. Be compassionate. Be Christ Like, always. Only then can the world tell the difference.

Best lesson am carrying with me to eternity is that indeed our brokenness is a blessing in disguise and if we allow Christ to be the center of our lives, He will use it to stand us before the world as testimonies, as men and women who braved it all and came out as more than conquerors.

Praying for those warriors fighting battles we can’t see, praying for Grace and strength to overcome and above all praying for the Spirit of God to hold you, comfort you and walk you through to your testimony.

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Happy new month, yaaaaay. Wishing you an exciting count down to the end of 2018.

 

Lots of love,

Beautifully Broken.

Second Chances

HEALING AND GRACE!!

When God breaks you, He binds you and builds you but at times we break ourselves and we end up with shattered pieces and a messed up heart.

Open-heart confession; the last one and a half months have been tough on me 😭. I found myself in a space full of new levels that triggered bouts of anxieties and ended up in self-doubt. It’s funny how we always pray for growth but when it comes with its challenges, we want to shrink back to the comfort zone we are so used to. We are tempted to plunge right in and tackle them on our own strength forgetting that we didn’t get to that level by our own effort but purely through God’s grace and favors. We forget that if God called us to that space then surely and certainly will He provide the grace to walk the path. That’s exactly what happened to this girl child; she forgot who her daddy was and that was the beginning of her meltdown.

For a couple of months I had been praying for a new level and God, being my ever awesome loving Father, opened doors and I found myself progressing. I was elated to say the least and above all I was in awe of God’s doing. Just before I settled, I started having lil doubts about it and a million questions ran through my mind. Would I handle that role? How would I manage the responsibilities? Was I capable? It got to a point I started comparing myself to others, what if I couldn’t match up to my predecessors? Would people judge me by their standards? Would they expect me to act and be like them?

I managed to successfully work myself into a frenzy and had to ask a close confidante of mine to talk some sense in my head, which she did by reminding me of our favourite verse Philippians 4:6-8 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

The verse managed to calm me down into perspective; I stepped up my game and delved head in to the responsibilities. For a while, things ran smoothly, the challenges were exhilarating, I was settling into the new role, things were running smoothly; it felt like everything was under control. But there was one teeny weeny problem, I was running on my own steam, handling things on my own and eventually, it started showing. I was getting snappy at the slightest provocation, I was so engrossed I gradually began missing my weekly fellowships, I was getting home too tired to have my evening reflections and waking up so drowsy to have my personal morning devotions.

On the outside it looked like everything was falling in place but on the inside, things were slowly falling apart. I started growing weary of pouring out to people who were too happy only with receiving, I started becoming too aggressive and rubbing people off wrongly and the key highlight was I started noticing flaws in people I interacted with. I could easily pick out 100 wrongs and struggle to find three rights, a trait that was completely unlike me.

Slowly by slowly the cracks started appearing on the outside and I did what I once used to do best, pull myself away from crowds. I retreated into a corner, held a pity party for myself and begun recalling my past. I relieved memories of people who I held in high esteem but at my lowest point, they were nowhere in sight. I remembered the past failures that once crippled me and I started blaming myself for those wrongs. I became bitter; bitter with myself, bitter with my family and friends who had let me down.

All this was happening in my head, no one knew the battles I was grappling with internally but I walked around with a chip on my shoulders, carrying grudges with people who had no clue why I was pushing them away. It got to a point I didn’t want to pick my phone calls outside work, I struggled with my prayers and devotions, my cup had literally run dry and I was badly hurting and bruised.

Anxiety and depression isn’t always shutting yourself in a room and crying yourself to sleep, at times it masks itself in the most normal things. Like struggling to wake up every day, struggling to make your bed, tidy your room, do the things you’re used to, struggling to communicate with your loved ones, struggling to stay still and keep your mind at ease.

The danger about isolation is that you fight it alone and you are already not best placed to think critically so you end up believing the lies in your head. You judge others so harshly at their mistakes, mistakes that only exist in your mind and even if they were true events, you’ve magnified the whole story and blown it out of proportion. You end up beating yourself up and drowning in your own condemnations. The more you try talk yourself out of it, the deeper the hole you dig yourself into until it gets to a point you believe you possibly can’t come out of that darkness.

Most holes we dig ourselves into, only Christ can reach down and pull us out from.

Some situations we bury ourselves in, only God can bring us back to life. He is the only one who can bear the burden of our self pity and the shattered pieces of our brokenness. He is the only one who can’t be fooled by the masks and facades we struggle to show the world. He is the only one who sees the hurt in our eyes and hears our hearts breaking. Like dead Lazarus wrapped up in linen and buried in the tombstone, Jesus is the only one who sees beyond our stench of rottenness and is willing to walk right in the mess, when everyone had given up, and call us back to life.

I needed to go to back to the King:

Take me to the King by Tamela Mann

I don’t have much to bring,
My heart is torn in pieces,
It’s my offering,
Take me to the King.

Truth is I’m tired,
Options are few,
I’m trying to pray,
But where are you?
I’m all churched out,
Hurt and abused,
I can’t fake,
What’s left to do?

Truth is I’m weak,
No strength to fight,
No tears to cry,
Even if I tried,
But still my soul,
Refuses to die,
One touch-will change-my life.

Take me to the King,
I don’t have much to bring,
My heart’s torn into pieces,
It’s my offering.

Lay me at the throne,
Leave me there alone,
To gaze upon your glory,
And sing to you this song,
Please take me to the King.

Truth is it’s time,
To stop playing these games,
We need a word,
For the people’s pain.

So Lord speak right now,
Let it fall like rain,
We’re desperate,
We’re chasing after you.

No rules, no religion,
I’ve made my decision,
To run to You,
The Healer that I need,…

Lord we’re in the way,
We keep making mistakes,
The glory’s not for us,
It’s all for You!

And when I couldn’t take myself to the King, He came down to my pit and picked me out of it. He gently wiped off my grime and dirt, He cleaned me up, nursed and oiled my wounds and made sure I was standing again. Not on my feet, but on His shoulders. I think we both agreed that on my own I couldn’t do it. It was fighting a losing battle. I was wiser now. I wasn’t going to rush into anything without His consent and His approval.

Like Moses, I had a new stand; “Now if indeed I have found favor in Your sight, please let me know Your ways, that I may know You and find favor in Your sight. Remember that I am your daughter. If Your presence does not go with me, please do not lead me from here. For how then can it be known I have found favor in Your sight, unless You go with me? How will anyone know that you are pleased with me unless you go with me? (Exodus 33:14-16)

It’s not a “Get out of the mud and get back running on the track” kinda situation, it’s a slow progress of Him reassuring me that despite my flaws, He still loves me unconditionally.

It’s a journey of working on my pride and teaching me to surrender the throne of my heart once more back to Him.

It’s a process of Him unearthing all the wounds and past hurts I had buried deep in my heart, things I thought I had overcome but sadly I was still holding onto grief, hidden wounds, battling with unforgiveness, holding secret grudges.

We have a long way to go but walking with Christ makes every step worthwhile. Am ready for Him to break me up again and mold me into the vessel He desires. Am done doing things on my own. Biggest lesson am learning; If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 1st Corinthians 10:12. I thought I had mastered my walk of faith enough to walk it alone but my pride, my lies and I,  all three of us, lol, came tumbling down faster than we could say humpty dumpty.

At times we break ourselves up but God reassures that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28. Indeed He is our Counselor, our Comforter, our Keeper, He offers hope when our hearts have hopelessly lost our way and He gives the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.

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Sending warm thoughts and prayers to everyone out there struggling with battles we can’t see. Don’t give up the fight, God is greater than whatever we face here in this world, and He fights for us still today!